


Lights Will Guide You Home

by Vibrantly_Virgo



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Asthmatic Castiel, Baseball Player Dean, Depression, Destiel - Freeform, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Family, Family Drama, Family Issues, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Love, M/M, Near-Death Experience, Panic Attacks, Religion, Runner Castiel, Wallflower Castiel, Wrestler Dean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-24
Updated: 2013-11-24
Packaged: 2018-01-02 12:59:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1057055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vibrantly_Virgo/pseuds/Vibrantly_Virgo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>DISCONTINUED </p><p>Winter time is dangerous for best friends Dean and Castiel, as it brings Novak family drama and cold air that increases the risk of asthma attacks, something Castiel hasn't had a problem with for a while. He's a track star, and he usually runs without a problem. But as Christmas draws nearer, older brothers Michael and Lucifer come home from college, and it changes Castiel's well-being for the worse. They create unnecessary problems, causing Castiel to have panic attacks and reoccurrences of depression.</p><p>Also, he kind of just realized he's in love with Dean, who is straight and, again, his best friend.</p><p>Dean is very worried about Castiel, but between working on his Christmas present and spending time with family, there's not much he can do. Then he's having his own elevations- the more he works on the present, the more he thinks that maybe his feelings for his best friend aren't completely platonic. </p><p>But when he finally comes to terms with his feelings, it's already much too late. </p><p>In a time full of stress and near-death experiences, two boys learn just exactly how much they need each other, and also how much they appreciate music and family for helping them get their shit together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so this is my first Supernatural fan fiction, and my second story posted here.  
>  
> 
> **Ages/Grades**
> 
>  
> 
> Jess- 12- eighth grade  
> Sam- 13- eighth grade  
> Jo- 16- Sophomore  
> Castiel- 16- Junior  
> Charlie- 16- Junior  
> Azazel- 16- Junior  
> Dean- 16- Junior  
> Benny- 17- Junior  
> Gabriel- 17- Junior  
> Zachariah- 17- Junior  
> Raphael- 18- Junior  
> Anna- 18- Senior  
> Uriel- 18- Senior  
> Alistair- 18- Senior  
> Balthazar- 19- Senior  
> Lucifer- 21- Sophomore in college  
> Michael- 22- Sophomore in college

**Prologue**

_"What kind of name is Castiel?"_

_It was Castiel's third day of school ever, and some kid named Raphael already hated him because of his name. He was huge, much bigger than Castiel, and very formidable._

_"It's my name, and I like it." he attempted to offend himself, but Raphael just mockingly laughed. "Well it's like a hippie name or something. Were your parents high when they had you?" His laughter grew, and Castiel's face and ears burned from embarrassment. He wanted to cry, because he didn't know what else to do- he had always been homeschooled, and never had to deal with other children. Anna and Balthazar couldn't protect him, since they were in sixth grade now, and though Gabriel was in fifth along with Castiel, he was inside, banned from recess because he pranked some girl named Lisa. And then Michael and Lucifer were both in eighth grade, with no ability to even keep an eye on their younger siblings._

_It didn't help that he also had no idea what "being high" was, so he was extremely confused._

_"Hey!" Raphael yelled, shoving Castiel to gain a reaction from him. The clumsy boy, unable to catch himself, fell hard onto the sidewalk, and he wondered where exactly the teachers and the concerned children were to help. "I'm talking to you, Gas-tiel."_

_"It's Castiel..." he corrected in a mumble, and the larger kid literally picked him up by the collar of his shirt to bring him to his face. "Excuse you?" Castiel gasped for hair, fumbling to be lowered but not able to shout for help._

_"Hey! Leave him alone, Raph!" Castiel thanked God and Jesus and that boy that finally noticed his distress._

_"Winchester?" Raphael sounded confused, still holding Castiel above the ground. He struggled against his grip, so Raphael tightened it._

_"Raphael. Let. Him. Go." This "Winchester" boy was serious, and when he approached, the first thing Castiel noticed is that freckles encrusted his face, dusting over his nose and cheeks like stars decorating the night sky. Then he admired his size- he wasn't as big as Raphael, but definitely bigger than himself. So maybe he could take the bully. He did seem angry enough._

_Raphael stared at him for a moment before chuckling. "Oh, c'mon, Dean, we're friends. Let's mess with this kid together." Friends? Castiel struggled again, trying to shove Raphael's giant fists away, but he wouldn't comply._

_Fury sparked within Dean's eyes, darkening to a forest green. "Raphael, I'm not going to ask you to let him go again." he threatened, voice low and menacing. The bully finally rolled his eyes with a deep sigh and dropped Castiel, who crumpled onto the ground, unable to gain any footing. Dean offered him his hand. "You okay?" The injured boy looked up from his scuffed up hands with his glassy, sapphire irises, through his dark hair that hung in his face. He smiled shyly, and accepted his help. "Thanks."_

_"What's wrong with you, Winchester? You used to be cool." Raphael scoffed, folding his arms and glaring daggers at Dean. He motioned to Castiel. "It's not cool to hurt people, man." The glare intensified, and Castiel inched behind his savior, even though he wasn't the one being stared down._

_"Well then. I'll leave you with your new boyfriend." Raphael's tone was bitter, but he smirked when Dean's knuckles turned white in their clenched state and his jaw shifted from grinding his teeth._

_But, of course, Castiel couldn't bite his tongue for two damned seconds. "Boys can't have boyfriends..." Dean looked back to him, green eyes wide but not judging like Raphael's were. "Dude, how stupid are you? Ask your mommy what 'gay' means."_

_"You need to leave." Dean all but growled, voice rumbling deep in his chest. Raphael complied reluctantly...but not before slamming into Castiel as he made his retreat. He would've crashed onto the ground once again if Dean didn't have quick reflexes and hadn't caught him. He righted him before he strode up behind Raphael, turned him around, and punched the living daylights out of him. He fell to the ground with great force._

_Of course,_ everyone _noticed that, and the teachers rushed over to restrain Dean and Raphael, who actually struggled to get loose against his male captors._

_"You never bother this kid again. You hear me?!" Dean barked at him, but the teachers forced them away from each other before Raphael could spit anything out. Castiel followed desperately behind. "Dean was just trying to save me. Raphael was bullying me. Please let him go."_

_One teacher he didn't recognize looked back at him. "He was violent towards another student. You do need to come with us too, though." Castiel obeyed, following them away from the playground. Eventually they let Dean go, and only one teacher remained to lead them. Castiel couldn't help but stare at his savior, eyes huge. Dean was clearly avoiding his gaze, arms crossed and face blank, staring straight ahead at their impending doom- the principal's office._

_Raphael was already being questioned as they entered the hallway, as the children barely saw him disappear into the room._

_"Sit down and be quiet. I'll be back in a moment." Both children obeyed, plopping down into two of the several chairs that lined the wall. Their escort stalked off, leaving Castiel to play with his hands, contemplating starting up a conversation._

_Luckily, he didn't have to. "So, what did you do to get on his bad side?" Dean wondered, looking over at him. Castiel shrugged stiffly. "I didn't do anything. He was just making fun of my name and I corrected him when he pronounced it wrong." Dean sucked in air through his teeth, as if hissing in pain. "Raphael doesn't like to be wrong. That's why." Castiel finally looked over to Dean. "Is he a friend of yours?" Dean scoffed, rubbing his knuckles, which were swollen and red. "Not anymore. He hurts people. I don't agree with that. Unless they deserve it, I mean." He smirked and looked towards the door the jerk hid behind. Castiel also looked toward it, staring until Dean nudged him, making him jump slightly. He turned to him._

_"What's your name, anyway? Isn't it something foreign?" Dean inquired, raising his eyebrow. Castiel had to admit that he was a bit frightened of sharing his name now- so many of the children in his class had normal names, such as Dean, Charlie, Lisa, Zach, even Gabriel was a bit more normal...then he was Castiel. Although Raphael was an odd name, he knew he would never inform him of that. He would be squished like a bug._

_"It's...Castiel." he mumbled shyly, blushing embarrassedly and turning away._

_Dean was silent for a moment. "Yeah, that is a bit weird." Castiel sighed, wanting to curl up in a ball and disappear forever. He brought his legs up to his chest, heels of his shoes on the edge of the chair._

_"But not as weird as Raphael. I mean, c'mon, at least you weren't named after a _Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle._ " Castiel couldn't help but giggle at that, and they laughed until their sides hurt and tears pricked at their eyes. Castiel couldn't ever remember laughing that hard before. He grinned widely at Dean, who returned it. _

_"Are you going to be in trouble?" Castiel wondered, concern leaking through his tone. Dean shrugged._

_"Probably. My dad's kinda strict, but my mom'll try to talk it out with him." Dean shot him an award-winning smile. "What about yours?" Castiel finally felt like he could open up to someone that wasn't a sibling- because as Dean would soon find out, Castiel did not really have parents. And so Castiel told Dean his story._

_TMNT, as Dean and Castiel now called him, was suspended for a week, and in ISS after that for even longer. Dean was simply in ISS for a week. Castiel learned self defense from Dean, considering that they were now best friends, and though he never really gained anymore, he wasn't ever alone._

\---

**Chapter 1**

Castiel's everyday attire ranged from "preppy rich kid" to "casual Friday" to "I'm as lazy as fuck so leave me alone."

Dean usually knew the reason for any of these outfits, but he didn't know whether to feel strange about it or not. Castiel and him were best friends. Like two peas in a pod, as his mom put it, quite embarrassingly too. But they really were that close. Some days they practically lived together- it was only a ten minute walk, and an even shorter drive, from house to house, so they visited whenever they pleased. 

But then again, did typical male best friends pay attention to clothes and why the clothes were chosen? Surely it shouldn't have mattered that much. But to Dean it did. 

Today, Cas was decked out in a good pair of jeans- the ones you'd get from Hollister or Abercrombie, ripped in rows on the thighs through only the blue layer- some black band T-shirt that was actually Dean's (because Cas didn't really even _like_ AC/DC ) (who the hell didn't like _AC/DC?!_ ), his black and blue striped hoodie that Dean had bought him Sophomore year when people gave him shit about his seemingly epic trench coat, and black Converse. Dean expected him to show up in sweats, honestly- his home had been chaotic for the past couple of days. Dean guessed it was because they lived in a huge fucking house in the rich part of the neighborhood and it was hard to clean, which was necessary when the Novak's two college boys, Lucifer and Michael, were coming home for Christmas break for three whole freaking weeks. He figured Lucifer's dorm room was messier than the entire house itself, though, and that he wouldn't even mind the mess...

Dean finally approached Castiel, sliding onto the desk beside the one Cas was standing in front of. It was 1st period, and the minute bell had just rang. 

"That's my shirt." Dean nudged Cas in the side with his elbow, a cheeky, lopsided grin plastered on his face. Castiel looked down at it, grimacing teasingly. "Yes, only you would listen to such horrid music." Dean backhanded his shoulder, hardly abrasive about it. "Hey, AC/DC is great, man! You're the one into Coldplay over here." He gestured to him with a frown, though his green eyes were dark with mischievousness. Castiel sighed, rolling his sky blue eyes towards the ceiling. This was only the- what, 100th?- time he'd had this argument with Dean. "There is nothing wrong with Coldplay."

Dean chuckled, rubbing his face before replying. "There is _everything_ wrong with Coldplay, Cas. Half their songs make no sense!"

"There's a deeper meaning."

"Deeper meaning my ass."

"Was that an intended pun?" Dean looked over to Castiel, almost shocked. He, on the other hand, was grinning smugly, and Dean almost slapped it off his face when the final bell rang. He groaned, because it was time for English, and Miss. Naomi was pretty freaking strict. And had it out for the Winchester. 

_God help Sammy when he gets here._

So Dean was like two seconds from taking his actual seat, but of course, Miss. Naomi had to bitch at him for something. "Mr. Winchester, off the top of the desk. My classroom is not your playground." Dean just obeyed- he didn't even bother to respect her with a "yes m'am" when she hated him for literally no reason. 

He made sure her back was turned before smacking Castiel in the back of his head for laughing quietly. 

\---

"Isn't that Dean's shirt?"

Second period was his blow off period, which was Art. Mrs. V was awesome and literally told the class that as long as they turned something in by the end of the week that wasn't "BS'd" that she didn't care much about what they did in class (Dean had already turned in his drawing of his car, and it wasn't half bad). Also, he had that period with Charlie _and_ Cas, so it was even better. 

"Yeah, it is." Dean glared playfully at Castiel, who was too focused on his project to notice. They sat right next to each other on one of three long tables that were connected in a U formation- Castiel stayed in the inside corner where two of the tables met. 

Charlie laughed from across the same table, twirling her bright red hair around her finger. "Did you guys have a sleepover last night or something?" Her project was busy drying, as she had made a replica of Hermione's wand. 

"No, that's why I'm wondering why you have my shirt and are wearing it." Dean turned to Castiel as he spoke, who redirected his attention to Dean. "This was the only shirt I had available." Dean scoffed, muttering something about "not being able to pull it off." It was Cas's turn to glare, but before he could reply, Charlie butt in. "Actually, Castiel can pull it off quite well."

Dean felt his annoyance grow for his best female friend taking his first of two male best friends' side. "Wrong team, Charlie." he complained with a grumble. She giggled. "Doesn't mean I don't find guys attractive."

Dean's jaw dropped. "You said you didn't!" He gestured widely to her. 

"No, I said _you_ weren't." Charlie giggled again, and Castiel chuckled quietly. Dean helplessly looked between them before exclaiming, "Oh, c'mon!"

Charlie's laughter calmed down, finally. "I'm just kidding, calm down. Anyway, what are you bitches doing for the break?" Castiel tilted his head in his usual confused fashion. It was Friday, but not the last one before Christmas break. "We still have a week of school after the weekend..."

Charlie shrugged. "So?"

"I'm mainly staying home. I'll hang out with Castiel, since you and Benny are both going out of state." Dean answered. Benny, one of Dean's best friends who was on the wrestling team with him, was returning to his home state, Louisiana, and was leaving on Wednesday. Charlie was heading for Colorado, where her mother grew up. Castiel, on the other hand, wasn't leaving at all to visit anyone- their father was too busy running his company in New York and didn't want to be bothered, and his mother...well. She had passed away not long after Cas was born. That was why Mr. Novak was away, to try and forget about his wife and their youngest son that who's looks and personality took almost directly after her. 

After that, they didn't have any other family- just the two college brothers (Michael at 22 and Lucifer at 21), left in charge years ago to take care of their younger siblings, and had put Balthazar, 19, a senior, in charge after a lot of persuasion. Then there was Anna, who was 18 and also a senior, Gabriel, 17, and lastly there was 16-year old Cas, both of them juniors. 

They shared the same grades because of their past of being homeschooled- as it had been easier back then, two children at a time were kept at the same level of schooling. But they had no friends and were constantly arguing with each other, so when Castiel was in fifth grade schooling, they transferred to Lawrence ISD. 

It was the best decision the family had ever made, in Castiel's opinion. 

"Sounds boring." Charlie yawned, winking at Castiel as he glared at her. "Isn't Jo coming down?"

Dean scoffed. "Yeah, but my cousin is off-limits." Charlie snorted and waved him off. "Dude, please, I got over that." There was a light flush gracing her pale cheeks, but Dean just grinned softly and let it slide. "She likes Castiel, anyway." She wasn't serious, just teasing the dark haired boy who had stopped listening to work on his charcoal project. He nearly jumped, baby blue eyes wide and flickering between Charlie and Dean. "She what?"

Dean and Charlie exchanged mischievous glances before giggling. Dean slapped his back. "Yeah, Cas, why don't you date my cousin?" Castiel rolled his eyes, sighing before completely turning to him. "Dean, I am not interested in dating anyone." he said seriously. 

"I can tell by your total number of girlfriends ever." Castiel's lips parted to speak, but Charlie beat him to it. "Zilch." She held up the number 0 with her fingers, curving her thumb and pointer finger to meet. 

"Exactly." Dean nodded in agreement, thumb pointed to her. 

Another sigh escaped Cas's lips. "You don't have to be in a relationship to be happy. I am happy being single and having two _assholes_ as friends." His small grin proved he was only kidding. He would say three friends, but Benny and him didn't really get along all that well. Benny didn't trust anyone that easily, and that included the usually quiet teenager. 

Castiel went back to frowning when Charlie suddenly smacked Dean's arm, leaning across the table. "Remember when Meg was all over him?" Cas pressed his hand into his face frustratedly. 

"Oh yeah! Man, she was in love with you." Dean managed through his laughter, and Castiel removed his hand, glaring darkly. "She was not in love with me," he claimed, "She requested to go to prom and I said I wasn't sure if I would like to." Remembering that moment, he felt his cheeks grow warm. 

The Dean spoke out loud what Castiel was thinking of. "Then she tried to make out with you to persuade you!" He was laughing so hard he slapped his thigh, which was so incredibly southern and Benny-like that Castiel almost punched him. Not being the one for violence, he instead flushed bright red and averted his gaze. "Do not remind me."

"Word on the street is she still has the hots for you, Castiel." Charlie teased, and Cas only ducked his head and focused intensely on his art. "That does not matter."

"Alright, Cas, we'll stop giving you crap." Dean sighed, and Castiel nodded thankfully. "Thank you."

It was silent among the three for a few moments before Charlie spoke. "Yeah, we'll give Dean crap instead. Where's _your_ girlfriend, hotshot?" Dean groaned and slammed his forehead into the table, making Castiel jump and then hurriedly check his drawing to see if he had messed up before staring at the side of Dean's face with half amusement and half concern. "He has dated so many girls during his Freshman and Sophomore years that there is no one left." Dean cracked one eye open to look at his best friend, and then turned his head to look at him. "Oh, shut up," he ordered, "I'm just not interested in anyone right now." Castiel wondered just why he noticed the way Dean's cheek looked chubby pressed against the flatness of the table. He wasn't sure guys were supposed to pay special attention to other guys faces. He always had, though, noticed the simple things about Dean. He never focused on other guys or girls, just Dean. He constantly wondered if he was destined to never love anyone when he had never been interested in even Meg who had stuffed her tongue down his damn throat. He liked the attention, but it didn't feel right- so he had shoved her away and hadn't counted that as his first kiss. 16 and never been kissed. It really sucked sometimes, but he wanted it to be with someone he actually cared about...

Dean was his polar opposite. At 17, he'd had too many girlfriends to keep track of, went to second base on several, and was somewhat sexually active- he was still a virgin, of course...

Well. Until recently. Suddenly Dean just fell off the radar, and he never even talked to girls other than Charlie.

Or maybe _they_ didn't talk to _him._

Charlie's voice made Dean's head raise to her, chin resting on the table now, "Dean? Not interested in any hot girl? There are plenty of girls that you could date." Dean sat up only to lean back in his chair, intertwining his own fingers to lay his hands against his muscled stomach. 

"You can take Meg." Castiel threw in, smirking. Dean's annoyed glare only made it grow. 

"Or Lilith." Charlie laughed. 

"There's Tessa."

"Bela."

"Lisa."

Dean groaned and rubbed his forehead, feeling the beginning of a headache forming. "Guys-"

"Cassie!" Charlie cut him off, and Castiel stared at her, eyes like discs. He went pale in the face due to dread before the blood rushed back, flooding his cheeks. He gaped, mouth working, but words refusing to leave his tight throat. 

At least Dean could speak after a moment. "Uh, dude. No." He glanced at Castiel, who noticed and ducked his head down and away to avoid his intensely bright green gaze. 

Charlie threw her arms forward and waved her hands dramatically while shaking her head. "No no no, not Castiel. Cassie Robinson." Castiel finally clamped his mouth shut, suddenly remembering what _oxygen_ and _breathing_ were. 

"Ugh, okay guys. Enough." _Thank God_ , Castiel thought, the urge to evacuate the area fading away slowly. He really liked Art, and he didn't want to spend the entire period wishing he were somewhere else that wasn't in the same vicinity as his best friends. 

He finished his charcoal with five minutes to spare, noticing that what started out as a pair of dark wings turned into a faceless angel. 

"That's really good, Castiel. It looks like it took on it's own personality." Mrs. V quipped, and Castiel nodded dumbly. "Yeah," he agreed, "it does."

\---

Dean hated not having lunch with Cas and Charlie, but he did have it with Benny. 

"Hey, brother." Benny said in his deep southern drawl as he approached Dean's beautiful black '67 Chevy Impala. They engaged in their usual handshake before climbing into the vehicle and driving to the nearest fast food place, not wanting a case of food poisoning from eating the school's food like some poor girl named Becky had suffered from...

"You gonna stay after school today?" Benny asked as Dean handed him a bag filled with a pair of burgers and fries and another bag with a second burger in it. Benny knew who that was for, considering Castiel had lunch next period and was in love with burgers. Dean took the drinks from the drive-thru worker and handed two to Benny as well, putting his in the drink holder. "Yeah, for a bit. Cas has track practice and I'm taking him home." He drove off back towards the school as Benny pulled out the food, setting Castiel's on the floorboard safely. "Alright, I'll stay after too, then," Benny offered, "Gives me a chance to make you tap out." He smirked challengingly, and Dean laughed haughtily. "You wish, Lafitte." Benny was heavy set and strong, but he didn't have the speed or the stamina. Dean was the opposite, real fast and loaded with stamina. He was strong, but not as strong as Benny- he was the best weightlifter at Lawrence, and had won several awards from powerlifting. 

Benny chuckled before biting into his burger. "Yeah, okay, you keep bragging, state champ," he said around his food, "You do have the right." Last year, Dean had won the state championship, and Benny had actually got second- it was a bit hard when Dean realized that he had to wrestle his best friend for the winning title, but Benny was a good sport about it. They had a friendly competition about wrestling, and actually tipped each other on certain things. 

"'Course I do." As soon as Dean pulled into the parking lot, he dug into his bacon cheeseburger. He moaned quietly, having not eaten one in a while.

"Get a room." Benny remarked, and Dean threw a fry at him. "Shuddup. These things are my freakin' life." Benny shrugged in surrender, picking up the stray fry that had fallen on his lap and then eating it. "Fair enough. Anyway, why does Castiel have track practice? Track season's not for a while." 

"Coach Turner says he has potential and could even beat Zachariah if he practiced enough and showed devotion." Zachariah was one of the biggest jocks at the school, and he hardly refused to leave Castiel alone, unless Coach Turner interfered. Dean had already threatened him after he shoved Cas while flying past him on the track, making him fall and sprain his ankle. 

Benny finished his burger on his fourth bite, making Dean think, _Damn._ "Doesn't he have asthma though?" He took a drink of his sweet tea- nothing like his momma made, that was for sure- and shoved a couple fries in his mouth. Dean shook his head and looked at his only half finished sandwich. "Not anymore, I don't think." Castiel had a really bad attack back in sixth grade from the harsh change in weather and being too active. After he was released from the hospital he was put on breathing treatments for a year, and then went to a simple emergency inhaler. As he paced himself, he eventfully overcame it, and could run around the track without much of a problem. He never even had to use the inhaler in high school, and stopped carrying it around. He still got refills, though, just in case. Plus, ever-worrying Anna always insisted. 

"But it can come back." Benny's deep rumbling brought Dean back to reality, and he nearly glared at his friend, wondering if he was intentionally attempting to worry him. "Yeah, but he knows the risks of running, especially in cold weather. He won't push it." He wasn't entirely convinced that it would be enough- it was getting colder than usual in Lawrence, and Cas was determined to be faster than Zachariah. 

_No, he'll be fine. Quit the unnecessary worrying._

Benny still wasn't helping. "Even to beat a dick like Zachariah?"

Dean snorted. "Yeah, Cas isn't stupid. He knows none of those dicks are worth it." He finally finished his burger, but Benny was slurping what was left of his drink. Dean couldn't help but grin amusedly to himself. 

"Yeah, why do they all have beef with you two anyway?" Benny wondered, "I know about Alistair, but why the others?" By _all_ , Benny meant the five dicks who have made it their life goal to bring a living hell to Dean and Cas, or anyone they associated with. Raphael, the one who bullied Cas in fifth grade, hasn't changed- he was the leader. He was also part of the powerlifting team, which was _so_ lucky for Benny. Next in command was Alistair, who was on Dean's baseball team during the summer and despised him for multiple reasons- mainly because Dean stood up to him for torturing some poor kid named Kevin in the hall one day, and was pissed when Dean made pitcher and he made outfielder. Then there was Uriel, who was dating Anna for a while until Castiel realized that he was only using her when he overheard him speaking to TMNT about it one day. Anna broke up with him, and Uriel began to hate any Novak that walked the Earth. Then there was Azazel and Zachariah, who just hated the boys because the others did. Boo freakin' hoo. Dean would beat the shit out of all of them if he needed to, and he knew he had Benny as backup and even Castiel if really necessary. 

Dean proceeded to explain all this to him, eyeing the time to see that they only had five minutes left until the sixth period, which was Dean's AG class. Thanks to his knowledge on mechanics, which came from his father and his uncle Bobby, he could basically do anything in that class with his eyes closed. Of course, he wouldn't try that around a power saw, but still...

Benny and him cleared out the trash from the car, Benny trading the salad and water for some of Dean's liter. "You go deliver that to your boyfriend. I'll catch you during Chemistry." He hurried off, smirking widely as Dean yelled after him. "Castiel isn't my boyfriend!"

Benny turned around, walking backwards, and shouted back, "Sure he ain't!" Dean flipped him off and ignored the laughter he received in reply as he locked up his baby and hurried towards Castiel's locker to deliver his food.

\---

After school, Dean waited for Castiel outside the locker room. Benny offered to wait with him but Dean declined, and they shared a bro fist before Benny headed out. Benny had done really well today, and had actually pulled Dean in a choke hold in the ring. Dean finally had to tap out, and now his neck was a bit sore, but he was used to it- it would be fine in the morning. 

Dean almost waited inside the locker room, but Zachariah and TMNT were also in there, and he figured his very presence would ignite a fire. He played Tetris on his Blackberry while he waited, looking up every time the door squealed to find some random kid who also stayed after school on a Friday. _What's keeping Cas?_ He hoped the dicks weren't trying to start anything with him. Paranoia was eating at him, and he almost burst in when Castiel finally pushed open the door, hair soaked black and dripping in his face, cheeks flushed red, and his clothes sticking to his body awkwardly. Dean snorted. "They run out of towels?" Castiel glared at the door as if it were the cause of all his problems. "If Raphael taking mine counts as 'running out', then yes." Dean felt his blood boil, and he clenched both his teeth and fists, his glare more intense than Castiel's. He began to make his way towards it. "I'll make sure he never-" Castiel snapped his arm out, pushing Dean's forearm in protest. "Dean, please. Let's just go." Dean stared Castiel down for a moment, angry, forest green eyes boring into sky blue ones. He then sighed, and stepped back, eyes softening. "Fine. At least wear my jacket, though- you're soaked and it's freezing outside and you don't need hypothermia." Castiel didn't have time to argue as Dean had already thrown his gym bag down and shrugged his jacket off and was handing it to Cas. Sighing, he threw his own down and slid into the worn brown leather jacket that was a bit too big on him, but smelled musky, faintly of oil and metal, his cologne, and of the Impala, all mixed together to create a scent that was purely _Dean._ Dean grinned at him, grabbed his bag before he could, and carried them both out towards his baby, Castiel following him empty-handed. When the frigid wind whispered harshly against his skin, he shivered, pulling the coat tightly around him. He was quick to climb into the passenger seat and close the door. Dean slid in soon after, starting the car and blasting the heat for his shivering companion. 

"You can pick the station." Dean offered, wrapping his arm around the seat and turning around to see the area behind him as he backed up. Castiel was taken off-guard- Dean had enforced the "Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cake-hole" rule since he had first received the car from his father. It was rare for anyone to choose the music other than Dean. 

"You're awfully generous today." Castiel remarked, reaching for the dial to find the station where they played music like Coldplay and The Fray. Dean finished backing up and pulled out of the parking lot, grinning. "Just a bit. You're lucky I don't play my AC/DC tape."

"Oh, to match my shirt? So very thoughtful of you." Castiel bit back sarcastically, and Dean took his eyes off the road momentarily to glance at him. "It's _my_ shirt, bitch." Castiel reached over and smacked his shoulder. "Assbutt." Dean couldn't help but snort out his laughter, settling into chuckling that made Castiel feel like he wasn't part of some inside joke. 

"Oh my God, Cas." Dean managed out. 

"What?"

Dean let out a loud sigh, ending his laughter, and his next look towards his best friend could not be described as anything but endearing. "Nothing, just...don't ever change."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you were confused about this story having/not having multiple chapters, I apologize for that. I'm new here!

"Thanks again for the ride, Dean." Castiel stood outside Baby, leaning down into the vehicle to thank him. Dean was sitting in the middle in order to talk to his friend a little more before he left, grinning up at him. "No problem, man. You don't have to thank me." Castiel nodded argumentatively. "Yeah, I do. I would be a dick if I didn't." Dean chuckled quietly, shaking his head in protest. "Castiel, you could do the meanest thing you've ever considered doing and still not be a dick." Castiel's dark eyebrows furrowed together before he raised one. "Uh...thanks?"

"No problem." Castiel gave him a half smile before standing, and went to shut the door. Dean leaned over and caught the door before Castiel closed it, though. His mussed-up ebony-haired head poked back in curiously. 

Dean inquired, "You sure you don't want me to come in? I could help out a little." Cas chewed on his bottom lip, contemplating the idea before shaking his head. Dean sighed heavily, raking his fingers through his messy, dirty blond hair. "At least let me walk you up to your door."

Dean knew that Castiel's exterior was cracking. At school, he pretended like nothing was wrong. He didn't break in front of people he didn't associate with, because he didn't want them to ask what was wrong when it was none of heir concern. He didn't even like to break in front of the people he called his friends and family, as that would worry them. But now that they were alone, his vulnerability was beginning to show. And Dean was ready to catch him if needed. He wanted to show him that he was there. 

"You're not my boyfriend, Dean." Cas was smiling, but it was too tight-lipped to be lighthearted. He wondered why the idea of that caused his chest to constrict, but forced his curiosity away, aware of what could be the reason. 

"Dude, please. Even my girlfriends don't get that luxury." The corner of his mouth lifted into a grin and he winked at his friend playfully, who stared back with confused and wide blue eyes. Dean didn't seem to notice his shocked state, only his silence. "Call me if you need me to kidnap you. Or if you just need to talk." Castiel suddenly couldn't look Dean in the eye and stared at his shoes. "Yeah. Okay." Dean reached for him. "Cas..."

Castiel stepped back, avoiding Dean's comforting touch. "I'm fine. They've had their break and it'll be okay." He didn't even sound convincing to himself, but Dean sighed and nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, you're probably right." He grinned at Castiel for reassurance, and the he shut the door himself. Cas waved as he sped off down the street, silently wishing he had accepted Dean's offer.

When he entered his house, he was greeted by Gabriel's loud voice announcing his arrival. "Cassie's home!" Castiel chuckled softly and wiped his shoes on the worn doormat, taking careful precautions not to track dirt on their pure white carpet, even though he was about to remove them anyway. 

"Thank you for the warm welcome." he remarked sarcastically, thinking about his nickname. He used to despise when anyone but Anna called him Cassie, but he eventually got used to it, and it no longer embarrassed him at school, either. After all, when your older brother ran down the hall shouting it at you more often than not, you would too. 

Then there was Cas- Dean had given him the nickname long ago, and only a few called him that. His few close friends, of course- Dean, Sam, and Charlie. 

Gabriel was wiping down the mirrors, outlined in black, swirling iron, that hung on the beige walls. The living room was one of the biggest rooms in the house, with a huge black leather couch that hugged one of the corners, shaped like an L and able to sit about 10 if desired. It faced a huge flat screen, mounted on the wall. In another corner was a grand piano- Anna taught Castiel how to play it when he was very young, and sometimes his fingers ached to dance along those keys. He stared at it with a longing look, and then turned away. He knew he needed to help his siblings bring the rest of the house in order, and he also couldn't stand playing in front of anyone that wasn't Anna.

Removing his shoes and repositioning his bag, he approached his older brother. "Hello, Gabriel." Gabriel paused his cleaning to ruffle his hair affectionately. "Afternoon." Castiel ducked away, not able to hold in his laughter. He batted his brother's arm away, and Gabriel actually allowed him too. "So, Dean-o gave you a ride?" His grin was like like a Cheshire cat's, and Castiel rolled his eyes, knowing what he was implying- he always teased Castiel about Dean. 

"Yes, Gabriel. We also had a threesome with Scarlett Johansson." he remarked sarcastically, and Gabriel hummed in appreciation. "Mm. That woman gives me the naughtiest feels." He licked his lips and Castiel forced himself not to gag, although he couldn't do anything about his disgusted expression. "All he did was drive me here, Gabe. Like every single time he gives me a ride."

"One day, Cassie, you'll wake up and realize. Then Dean will certainly be giving you a ride- and not just in his car." Castiel flushed dark red and all but sprinted away to his room upstairs, jumping when Gabriel slapped his ass on the way out. He loved his brother but _damn_ he needed to get his mind out of the gutter. 

Castiel felt like he could finally breathe after he shut his door, and leaned against it and threw his stuff to the middle of his room. The image of Dean grinding down on him in the Impala was now burned on the inside of his eyelids and _fuck he was going to kill Gabriel._

Dean was his best friend, not his...lover, boyfriend, whatever. He had nothing against others who had same-sex crushes/lovers (ehem, _Charlie_ ), but that wasn't _him._ He was straight- or so he thought. He had never felt more than friendly feelings towards anyone- male or female. Until recently, that is. He used to think that maybe he was asexual...until Dean began making his way into Castiel's every thought. 

He imagined Gabe saying, _"Maybe you're_ Dean _-sexual."_

A knock on his door ripped him from his thoughts, and he swore he had never jumped so high in his life. His heart beat wildly within his chest. "Castiel?" It was Anna. Breathing out as calmly as he could, he opened the door and smiled weakly at his sister. "Hello, Anna." He couldn't help but notice how beautiful she was, her red hair curling around her pale face like wildfire. Her eyes shone like emeralds glinting in the sunlight, (not as breathtaking as Dean's, but still remarkable). She wasn't so pale that she could not pull off wearing white, so her ivory dress that was made for summer-wear and not for the current temperature added to her angelic appearance. 

Then it felt like everything crashed down on him- the fact that...well, _Dean_...that his brothers were visiting for a while and that his father was not, and that Anna and Gabriel and Balthazar could look at him easily while Lucifer couldn't and Michael always sugar-coated his stare with sympathy...

It wasn't his fault he looked the most like their mother. 

It wasn't his fault she got sick right after he was born and had passed away. 

(Or maybe it was. The doctor's had been and still were unsure what had caused her illness.)

It wasn't his fault that their father had walked out because of those reasons.

Anna smiled widely at him. "You seem stressed. You okay?" Cas only nodded, knowing he couldn't verbally lie to his sister, and she ruffled his hair as Gabriel had done earlier, but a lot more gentle about it. Castiel didn't flinch away, and instead hugged his sister, which he felt he hadn't done in so long. He was taller than her nowadays, but he could still remember the times when he buried his face in her stomach to hide from the world. 

Anna breathed out her laughter into his shoulder as she returned his embrace. He felt so much better when his sister as comforting him. "Are you sure you're okay?" Castiel squeezed her gently before pulling back. "Yes, I just...felt the need to. I'm okay." Anna went up on her toes and planted a kiss to his forehead, attempting without success to flatten his dark, unruly hair. "Hey, we're about to be a family again...it's okay." She continued, with still no avail, to fix his hair. Her tongue poked out the corner of her mouth in concentration, but he couldn't bring himself to laugh at that when he knew that they couldn't be a true family without their father there with them. 

And that definitely wouldn't happen. They would be lucky to receive a phone call. 

\---

Dean felt terrible about letting Cas go without him. Castiel was brave, but Dean knew how much he dreaded the holidays. Their family was broken, with a dead-beat dad that didn't give them anything but money and a deceased mother that Castiel looked so much like it almost hurt. He could only imagine how his siblings and father looked at him. He remembered speaking to Anna about it a couple years ago, while he was over at the Novak's to hang with Castiel.

_"Who's this?"_

_They were in the living room, Anna situated on the couch while 13-year old Dean waited on Castiel to come downstairs so they could play outside. Anna looked up from her book to see that Dean was standing in front of a tall display, shelves holding several pictures. The one on top was a beautiful woman with wavy ebony hair and crystal blue eyes. He had a feeling about who it was, but he wanted to make sure._

_"That's our mother." Anna was beside him now, book forgotten on the couch. Dean knew very little about her, just that she had passed away before Castiel could even remember her face._

_"What was her name?" Dean wondered. Anna sighed, and he knew it must have pained her to talk about it, even if she was only three when she passed._

_"Evangeline." she answered quietly. Dean leaned against the wall, staring into Anna's unseeing, far away eyes. "Is that why your dad is gone?" Anna nodded quietly, sniffing before smiling, eyes watering. "Yeah. But it's okay. We've got Mikey and Luci. They're our dads." Dean didn't say what he was thinking: that two high school seniors couldn't be fathers. But Anna might of became angry, and that was the last thing he wanted._

_"She's beautiful." Dean complimented, and Anna nodded. "Yeah. She was." He couldn't help but notice her use of the past-tense word. Anna looked up, as if to make sure no one was coming down the stairs, and then lowered her voice. "Castiel takes the most after her. Father could hardly ever look at him, and thinks that he was the reason for her death- it was sad. It still is."_

And that was really messed up.

_Dean took another glance at Evangeline and noticed that Castiel did look immensely like her. He could already tell that it was a bigger problem than it should of have been, too._

Dean entered his house in a daze, and his mother noticed immediately. "Hi, honey. Is something wrong?"

Dean shut the door and blinked a couple times to bring himself out of his memories. "Yeah, Mom. Just fine." He dropped his bag on the floor, away from the walkway so no one would trip on it, and walked over to sit by her on the couch in the family room. He'd always loved the way his home felt- warm and inviting and safe. His mother did her best to make it feel as such.

"Just worried about Cas. You know how it is around the holidays. And his brothers are coming home today." Mary patted his hand, smiling softly at her son. "Just let him know he has you, honey, and he'll make it just fine."

Luckily, Castiel did know that, because Dean constantly made sure he did. He wasn't going to be insensitive to his best friend if he needed a person to lean on. Otherwise, he didn't let his emotions show to many others. 

"He knows," Dean insisted quietly, "and you're right. He'll be fine. It's Cas. He's always fine. I just worry too much sometimes." He laughed quietly at himself, studying the pattern of the couch as if it were the most interesting thing in the universe. Mary slipped her hand under his chin and brought his gaze back to her. "It's okay to worry, but never overdue it. Others are important, but you are too. So it's alright to be a little selfish and worry about what Dean wants sometimes." She poked his chest for emphasis. She always gave Dean the best advice. He usually went to her for help (unless it was guy stuff), and instead of rolling his eyes and denying her knowledge like a lot of other teenage guys did, he actually took it to heart and considered it. He felt guilty if he did otherwise, like he was letting her down. He knew he was a Momma's Boy- but it wasn't at all a bad thing. 

"Thanks, Mom." 

Suddenly, Sammy and his dad burst in, and the moment was forgotten. His mother stood to great them, but Dean stayed back and watched his little brother embrace his mother and then his dad trap him between the two as he hugged his wife and kissed her tenderly. Dean smiled softly, thankful that he had a well-rounded family with a father who cared and a mother who was alive, but yet upset that Castiel didn't have the luxury.

\---

Castiel hid in his room the rest of the day, texting Dean the entire time while reading the latest addition in his favorite book series, _Supernatural_ by Carver Edlund. He realized by the tenth time he read the first line on the top of the page that he was too distracted by Dean and his own anxiousness that he couldn't focus on reading anymore. He closed the book and tossed it down onto the foot of his bed in frustration. His iPhone pinged quietly again, and he was about to reply to Dean's message when he heard excited voices from downstairs. He quickly typed out, _They're here._

**Go get em tiger**

Castiel rolled his eyes, reluctantly standing when his phone rang again. He read the next message and laughed. 

**Or sneak out ur window & come over**

He sent, _That's plan B_ before sliding the device into his pocket. He was going to do this. He wasn't a coward. 

"Where's Castiel?" Michael was asking, just as he stepped into the living room. "Right here." Everyone turned to him, and he squirmed uncomfortably at all the eyes on boring into practically his soul. Michael and Lucifer were both grinning widely, though, and enveloped him in one bear hug each. 

"Damn, Cassie, have you been working out?" Lucifer remarked, gripping his forearms. Castiel realized how hard they were both trying to treat him like he was their _brother_ and not a _murderer_ , and that was enough for him. Grinning slightly, he answered, "Yes."

"You should see his legs. Castiel's number one on the track team." Anna bragged for him, and Castiel flushed. His legs didn't even look that different... 

"Well, no, not exactly..." He trailed off. Zachariah was still faster and better than him, whether he liked to admit it or not. 

"But you will be." Balthazar cut in, slinging an arm around his shoulders. Gabriel snorted from his spot on the couch, pulling out his sucker with a _pop_. It was no doubt cherry-flavored, and his lips and tongue were stained red. "Zach's a dick. Bad guys always lose, Cassie. It's like the universal rule."

"Then why do you like Loki?" Anna teased him, referring to his favorite Marvel character. Gabriel sat up and gave her an incredulous look. "He's great, okay? He tricks people _and_ he's witty!"

"Just like you." Balthazar said, feigning adoration. Gabriel chunked a random hard candy at him, but he caught it easily. 

"God, we have such nerdy little brothers." Lucifer chuckled to Michael, taking Castiel from Balthazar and wrapping his arm around him. Cas felt like a rag doll, but considering he wasn't being treated like an outsider, he couldn't bring himself to care about it much. "I'm not that nerdy." he claimed, and laughed when they all sent him almost identical, knowing looks. Okay, yeah, so he liked _Star Trek_ , _Star Wars_ , _Harry Potter_ , _Lord of the Rings_ , _The Avengers_...

Gabriel fist pumped into the air. "It's okay, Cassie! I'm right there with you!" he declared. 

"You all know what this means, right?" Michael spoke up. When five curious faces stared back at him, he nodded towards the flat screen, and they all understood immediately. 

As they all sat on the couch together, watching the original Star Trek episodes over a couple bowls of popcorn (and candy, because of Gabriel), it really felt like they were kids again. For a moment, Castiel was 9 years old, head on Anna's lap with Gabriel leaning against his bent legs, Balthazar snorting out critiques while Gabriel giggled at them, Lucifer shushing them all, and Michael shaking his head, grin full of amusement. 

When Cas came back to reality, he realized how similar the situation was, their positions almost exactly the same, but their comments were kept to themselves and everyone was laughing mockingly at the same corny scenes. 

He couldn't feel more at home and wanted for the first time in a long time. 

\---

Castiel woke up to something vibrating from under him. Groggily, he fumbled under himself to find his phone in the pocket of his jeans. He pulled it out and squinted at the caller ID, screen too bright for his dark room. _Dean._

He groaned before answering, ignoring the fluttering of feelings in his stomach. "Hello?"

"Well good morning, sunshine." Dean replied sarcastically, and Castiel groaned again, rubbing his face with his free hand as he rolled onto his back. "What time is it?"

"Like, 11:30 dude. How late did you stay up last night? I figured you went to bed early because you weren't replying." Castiel thought back to the previous night, unable to keep away his grin. "We were watching Star Trek until 4. Sorry." Dean snorted, but didn't make fun. He loved the fact that his friends (and brother) were big dorks. "Really? So they treated you like a human being?"

"Yes." Castiel answered, rubbing the sleep out of one of his eyes with his fist. 

"That's great, man. I'm happy for you." 

"Thanks." Castiel's voice was devoid of emotion, which was understandable, considering he just woke up and he was still groggy. It was unusual, though, and Dean was aware of it too. "Must of worn you out. You're usually up and at 'em at this time of day." He sounded tired as well, but happy nonetheless. 

"And you're usually passed out still. Why are you up?" Castiel wondered, squirming uncomfortably. Sleeping in his jeans was terrible, but he wasn't ready to get out of bed just yet. 

"Actually, we're out Christmas shopping. I called to ask you what you wanted." Castiel hated this question because he never really knew. Most of the time he spent the holidays worrying if his brothers and/or his dad were visiting. 

"Books." Castiel finally answered, and Dean groaned exasperatedly. "C'mon, Cas, that's what you asked for last year. Besides, that's what Sammy's getting you. I need something else." _Thanks for surprising me_ , Castiel thought bitterly. But he was happy Sam was the one buying him the books- Dean knew what he liked, but he would try to sneak a porno into the gift as a joke. Sam would never do that, and get a large quantity of high quality novels. 

"Dean, you know what I like." Or at least he should. 

"Yeah, nerdy movies and shitty music." Dean remarked, and Castiel turned the insult back to him. "Hey, I like your music too, unless you think you suck." Which, he did think so. But he really didn't. He could sing and play guitar well. He'd even written a couple of his own songs. 

"Uh, kind of? I can't really sing." Dean agreed, and Castiel laughed almost mockingly. "Bull."

Dean sounded shocked. "Cas."

"Dean," Castiel replied, "You're amazing. Shut up." Dean sighed, and Castiel could picture him running his fingers through his already messy hair. 

"But I'm no Chris Martin." he accepted somewhat, referring to Coldplay's lead singer. The only reason he even knew who that was happened to be because of Cas. 

"Doesn't mean you aren't good." Cas wasn't about to admit that he liked Dean's voice better than Chris's. 

"What, do you want me to record you some songs?" Dean snorted, only joking, but the raven-haired teen actually enjoyed that idea. His cousin Ash's friend actually owned a recording studio that Dean went to when he visited. It was entirely possible. "That would be a wonderful present."

"...really?" 

"Yes. Then when you become a rock star, I'll have your first creations." Dean was silent for a couple moments. Castiel wondered in those moments if he had made the wrong choice. 

"You're serious?" Dean asked, for clarification. 

"Very." Castiel didn't sound so sure of himself anymore. 

More silence. Then, "Ugh. You're such a sap." A huge smile broke out on his face. "Is that a yes?"

"Yeah, yeah. But I'm buying you something too." Dean replied. Castiel felt almost giddy- a CD full of covers and Dean's original songs. "Thank you, Dean."

"You're welcome, Cas." Dean feigned annoyance, but Castiel could hear his smile. "What do you want, by the way?"

Dean looked around where he was, spotted a hot girl, and flashed her one of his flirtatious smiles. She returned one, but walked away with no intent on hooking up, and Dean breathed out a defeated sigh. "A girlfriend." he requested miserably. Castiel willed away his unwanted jealousy. "Yeah, hold just a moment, and allow me to contact Girlfriends-R-Us." His sarcasm was a good cover. 

"Thanks, Cas." Dean sounded legitimately excited. It was on purpose just to annoy his best friend. 

"You're impossible." Castiel groaned. "Think about it, will you?"

"Sure, of course. I'll get back to you." 

Castiel knew their conversation was coming to an end, and instead of just longing for some company, just asked for it. His siblings wouldn't care if Dean came over. He was just worried about Gabe and Lucifer. "Oh, hey, do you want to come over after you get back?"

Without hesitation, Dean accepted. "Yeah, sure. As long as your brothers aren't planning on killing me." Last time Dean and Lucifer ended up wrestling in the middle of the living room, Anna squealing anytime they were close to breaking stuff and begging for them to stop. He was almost sure Luc would end up tormenting the poor kid. "Oh, you've discovered their evil plot. What shall we do now?" 

Dean snorted humorously. "Just wondering. Lucifer challenged me to a wrestling match last time, remember?" Oh, did Castiel ever. Dean was new to the wrestling team at the time and Lucifer had him pinned pretty quickly. 

"Remember? Dean, I still have the footage." Castiel looked towards the laptop sitting on his desk, where the file was saved in multiple places, considering Dean had hacked his computer (thanks Charlie) and tried to delete the video before. 

Dean groaned, not proud of his defeat, no matter how unexperienced he was at the time. "Ugh. Okay, we'll be done around 1:30 so I'll see you at about 2:00." Castiel hoped that they didn't suddenly have plans today so he couldn't come. "See you then. Goodbye."

"Later." The phone beeped, signifying that his friend had hung up. Castiel groaned, still pretty exhausted, as he got out of bed, clothes he had slept in clinging to his body uncomfortably. He swiftly took off his shirt, then paused to look at it. He needed to give it back when he came over later. Or possibly wash it before then. He wouldn't miss it much- he had so many others. Dean seriously loved all this hard rock music. There wasn't a hard rock tape he didn't already have for the Impala- there were boxes of them in his room that he hardly ever listened to, and a box in his baby that he did constantly.

And then it hit him like a freight train. 

He knew what he would get Dean for Christmas. 

But damn, he was going to kill him for spending too much money. 

He threw the shirt in his hamper as he made his way to his bathroom, grinning widely at his brilliant idea. 

As he turned on the water for a shower and began to strip down and quietly complain about the lack of pajamas. He wondered how exactly he got in his room, anyway. He didn't remember going upstairs after their Star Trek marathon, so someone must have carried him- so either Michael or Lucifer. 

Probably Michael. 

That hadn't happened in years, either.

Castiel smiled even wider, hopeful that this Christmas could actually be a decent one. 

\---

"C'mon, Cassie!" Anna pleaded, and Castiel shook his head, cheeks flushed darkly. "No, I haven't in forever..."

"All the more reason for you to play." Balthazar quipped, and Castiel shook his head again.

"We all know you play when you're alone." Gabriel teased him, and Castiel was sure that sentence contained a double meaning. He stared at the piano his siblings were egging him on to play in horror. He didn't like playing in front of hardly anyone- it was okay if it was just Anna, because she was the one who taught him, but otherwise, he had terrible stage fright. 

"It's okay, Castiel," Michael comforted, placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder, "You don't have to play if you don't want to."

Castiel flashed him a grateful smile, but the rest of their siblings _boo_ 'ed in protest. Castiel sighed frustratedly. "Fine! I'll play!" Damn peer pressure. A chorus of celebration erupted, even from Michael. Rolling his eyes, he made his walk of shame over to the piano. He couldn't remember how to play anything, as he hadn't been alone in the house in so long. He reluctantly slid onto the piano bench, fingers hovering hesitantly over the keys. "What song should I play?" he questioned without turning around.

"Stairway to Heaven!" Lucifer exclaimed, as it was his favorite song. Castiel looked back at him with an annoyed expression. "I don't know that one."

"Play whatever you want, Castiel." Anna cut in, motioning for him to play. He turned back to the keys, trying to remember the beginning of "The Scientist" by Coldplay...and then he when he began, he couldn't stop. He knew every single note, how to position his fingers, how the song played and flowed and danced throughout his mind. And when Anna joined in to sing, it was just the two of them, the others fading to the background, and Castiel felt comfortable enough to utter his own words out. 

_Nobody said it was easy_  
Oh it's such a shame for us to part  
Nobody said it was easy  
No one ever said, it would be this hard  
Oh, take me back to the start 

When they were finished, they got a huge round of applause, and a boisterous, easily recognizable whistle that didn't belong to any of his siblings...

" _Dean_?" Castiel spluttered, face beat red, "You're here early." Dean grinned ear to ear. "Cas, what the hell? You said you could barely play the piano!"

"I-I _can_ barely play..." Castiel stuttered, and Dean approached the piano, running his hand over the smooth, ebony surface. "You are such a liar." He turned to Anna and winked at her. "Beautiful voice, by the way." Anna grinned, not phased in the slightest by his flirting. "Thanks, Winchester, but I've heard you've got quite the voice too." Dean shrugged, crossing his arms and leaning against the wall. "Eh, I don't want to brag or anything..." Anna huffed out a laugh, turning to her brothers with a challenging smirk before looking back at Dean. "Oh, but I do. I'm pretty sure I can carry a better tune." Low _oooh_ 's filled the room, Lucifer covering his mouth in mock horror while Gabriel was looking between the two so excitedly, he seemed like he was having a seizure. Dean scoffed, exchanging an impressed glance with Castiel. "Oh, sweetheart, are you challenging me?" Anna's smirk grew, and she stalked over to Dean like a predator stalking it's pray, and sat on the piano with her legs crossed. She leaned over to her little brother. "Castiel. Play a song." Castiel's eyes maneuvered between the piano, his sister, and his best friend. What was he _supposed_ to play? Dean was into hard rock...

"But...Dean doesn't like any of the music I can actually play." he claimed, pulling his hands back from the keys like they had burned him. 

"Go rock-and-roll!" Gabriel shouted, fist pumping much like he had last night. Dean turned his eyes towards the ceiling, amused, before pushing off the wall. He approached Castiel, reached over him and began slowly playing the beginning of _Clocks_ , smirking at Castiel's shocked face, directly in his in result from leaning over his shoulder. "Since when do you know piano?" Castiel breathed, and Dean stopped, but didn't move from his position. "Jo plays at my aunt's bar. She taught me a couple things last time I went." Castiel's voice became trapped in his throat, not able to speak when Dean was so awkwardly close to him. 

He blamed it on Gabriel's immature accusations from yesterday, how he was barely even able to look at Dean anymore, especially within such a close proximity. He could connect every freckle that decorated his tan face with another and create constellations, see his emerald irises fade into a golden brown around the pupil, an explosion of colors much like a firework. 

His blood flowed thickly behind his ears, heartbeat thudding violently in his head. He couldn't breathe, but it was nothing like an asthma attack. He swallowed passed his tightening throat, looking away from Dean finally, and remembering his family was in the room too, and they were all staring at him, waiting for him to play and probably watching his sexuality crumble in front of him. 

Castiel finally took over, fingers brushing against Dean's as they started the song over, warmth flooding his hands where in contact. Taking a deep breath, he focused on his fingers dancing over the keys to play Clocks at normal pace, and not on Dean's intense staring, even if he had backed away a little and took a seat next to him on the bench. 

He wanted to flip the piano over and run away when he began hearing Dean's melodic voice, so smooth compared to his natural rough tone. Heat flooded his abdomen. He willed away the blood flow, squirming uncomfortably. 

_The lights go out and I can't be saved  
Tides that I tried to swim against_

The lyrics were so true- everything had gone dark, no sound except for his quiet piano playing and Dean's breathtaking voice. Castiel realized that his idiotic brother and other teasing comments that had been made by various people just may have been right. 

No. He couldn't like Dean like that. That wasn't possible. 

It was entirely, though- Castiel knew he had been flirting with the possibility of liking Dean more than just a friend, or a brother, for a long time coming now. Denial used to be enough, but recently, it wasn't. He couldn't swim against the tide any longer- apparently his mind was too tired to do so. 

So, just like that, he knew had a huge crush on his best friend, the one who happened to be a _guy_ who liked _girls_ , the one who treated him like a brother and would probably be mortified if he ever figured out Castiel's feelings. The one who asked him for a _girlfriend_ for Christmas, not a best friend with a hopeless infatuation with him. 

Cas was _so_ fucking _screwed_.

And just like the song said, he could not be saved.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Castiel made a mad dash upstairs to his room as soon as possible, cringing when he slammed the door shut, hoping that the group downstairs didn't hear it. He fell against the door and slid down it in a heap. His breathing was labored, chest burning and tightening- could a sexuality crisis cause an asthma attack?

He didn't take any chances. He jumped up and quickly snatched his inhaler off his desk. He shook it vigorously before using it, and immediately felt a relief. He figured because his inhaler acted as a comfort as well, a way to force his brain into thinking that it was okay and not to panic. 

He took a few more minutes to breathe deeply, arms raised and hands folded behind his head to open up his lungs more, mentally cursing his situation and panic attacks in general. Damn it, why did he have to like Dean? Why couldn't he like Meg? She liked him, and even tried to make out with him. And she was attractive. But no. He was interested in his straight, girl-loving best friend. Who also loved girls. And was also _straight_. In case he wasn't clear enough. 

"Cas? You in there?"

And damn it, why did he have to be here?!

"Yeah." Castiel answered breathlessly, running his hands through his raven-colored hair and gripping it in harsh clumps, thinking over and over again, _What the hell am I going to do?_

"You okay?" Dean sounded alarmed, and Castiel took more deep breaths, trying to sound like he hadn't just discovered his feelings for the concerned guy behind the door. "Yeah, why?"

"You sound like you can't breathe. Cas, what's wrong?" He jostled the doorknob, which was locked.

"Nothing's wrong, Dean, I just...scared myself, is all."

"You are such a terrible liar."

"Dean, I just...can we not talk about this right now?"

"...only if you let me in."

Could he do that? 

Probably not. 

He forced himself to overcome his fear and headed to the door to unlock and open it. Dean peered at him through the opening that Cas had barely made, and tilted his head to look at him. His sideways grin made Castiel's heart skip a beat. "Dude, you gotta actually open the door so I can come in." Without a word, Castiel pushed the door open and turned away to sit on his bed, the one Dean always commented on as if he had never been in his room before. It was a queen and rose high off the ground, so the Winchester found it rather large and elegant, especially with the satin sheets and expensive-looking framing the mattress rested on. It was also memory foam, and Dean always loved sleeping in it when they were younger and sleeping together didn't matter. Now...it did. Immensely. 

Dean joined his friend, practically moaning when he sat down. "It remembers me." he ground out, voice rough with what sounded like lust and... _fuck_. Castiel ducked his head away, heart slamming vigorously against his chest.

Dean grinned over to his friend, and noticing his distress, his smile melted off his face. "Cas?"

"Yeah." Castiel managed to reply, voice hard and edged with tension. 

"Castiel." Dean tried again, much more firm so he would just freaking look at him, at least. Damn it, he was scaring him. 

Upon hearing his actual name, Castiel jolted, startled. Dean never called him Castiel, especially in that voice. He looked towards him, their proximity minimal again and all Castiel wanted to be was _closer_. Green and blue bored into each other, studying exact colors and patterns and feelings hidden behind the windows. Dean was worried, told by the creases between his eyebrows. He was also curious and frustrated and Castiel never realized how easily he could read Dean...the closer he got, the easier it was...

Dean wouldn't figure out Castiel, which was a new one. He was acting weird, even for him. And Cas was a weird dude at times. He looked kind of sick but also embarrassed, like he had been caught doing something terrible...but Castiel didn't do terrible things. And Dean hadn't caught him doing anything but breathing heavily...and he wasn't masterbating, which was Dean's second guess (after _asthma attack_ ), because he knew the _look_. He had seen it on himself enough times to know...

So what was up with him?

"Cas..." Then Dean realized just how close they were, how close they _always_ were, and how close they shouldn't have been. 

He leaned away. "Uh, dude...personal space." Castiel forced himself not to flinch, and told himself that his comment shouldn't have hurt _that bad_ , but he couldn't control his feelings. "As I recall, you were the one who sat so close." he snapped, scooting backwards on his bed to rest his back against the headboard. He pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his elbows on them, glaring down at his lap for more reasons than one. Dean held up his hands in defense as he turned to him. "Dude, calm down, geez...what the hell is going on with you? You're scaring me, man." Castiel scowled at him, voice harsh. "I fail to see how." Dean snorts rather exasperatedly, and begins his irritated rant. "You suddenly rush up the damn stairs like you're running a friggin' marathon, saying you have to do something, and then the door slams and Gabriel's giggling like mad and I have no idea what's going on so I ask your siblings. None of them have a clue and Gabriel just...doubles over like the asshole he is so I decided to go after you and I hear you hyperventilating in your room. At first I thought you were having an attack but now you're just having mood swings like a pregnant woman. Wouldn't that make you worry?" Dean's hands were flying about, adding emphasis to his explanation. Castiel thought about how he would react if Dean was suddenly running about and hyperventilating...

"I suppose it would..." he finally answered, voice quiet no longer angry. Dean sighed and pulled himself up on the bed, sitting next to his distressed friend. He stretched his legs out in front of him, surprised Castiel hadn't even scolded him for having his boots on still. He softened his voice, looking over at the distressed boy. "Cas, you don't have to tell me what's wrong. That's okay, and I respect that. But I want to make sure you're okay." He was actually a bit upset that Cas wouldn't tell him, because they told each other _everything_. At least Dean did. He tried to convince himself that it was alright, but he couldn't really...

Castiel sighed, turning towards Dean slightly. He hasn't meant to act like he did, but he felt he had a logical reason. "I will be. I apologize for making you worry."

"S'okay, Cas." They sat in silence for a few moments, Castisl returning to his focus on his lap while Dean watched him until he spoke. "I can leave, if you want...I mean, you're the one that wanted me over, though..." He didn't want to leave. He liked hanging with Cas, even if he was acting like his hormones were all jacked up. Castiel jumped at that, looking desperately at him. "No, stay. I'm sorry for being such an assbutt...I think I'm just overwhelmed about everything." 

Dean laughed hard suddenly, and Castiel looked over questioningly, grinning at Dean- he was shaking, head facing towards the ceiling with his eyes clamped shut and his mouth wide open in laughter, showing those perfect white teeth. He finally calmed down a bit, he wiped a fake tear from his eye. "Shoot, Cas. You're just great, you know? Terrible at insulting and cussing and...normality, but still great." Castiel couldn't help but grin widely back, stomach lurching almost comfortably at the compliment. Dean may have been uninterested in him, but it was almost okay as long as they were still best friends. Besides, Castiel could get over him. It couldn't of been that hard. 

\---

They decided to stay upstairs and watch a movie on Castiel's flat screen, a bit smaller than the one mounted in the living room. They agreed on Star Wars, which Dean was paying only half of his attention to it because of his texting war with Charlie. It was about who Princess Leia would "do" first, and considering Charlie had her as a tattoo, proving her devotion, Castiel figured she would win. He found himself unable to give his undivided attention to the movie considering Dean was sitting so close to him for such a large bed. Their shoulders and thighs were brushing against one another, even more so when Dean shook with laughter. 

While Dean was distracted, Castiel had the opportunity to take him in. His hair was in it's usual style, a bit messy from running his hands through it so often. Jade eyes lit up when he laughed, corners of them crinkling. He wore his usual outfit- a black Led Zepplin T-shirt (which reminded him about Dean's present), an unbuttoned black, white, and grey plaid shirt over it, dark jeans with some holes, and his worn boots, which he had the decency to rest on his leather jacket instead of Castiel's bed. 

"Okay, Cas. You decide. Me or Charlie?" Dean broke him of his trance. "Charlie shows more devotion, Dean. You just like the fact that she looks sexy her slave outfit." _You're not jealous, shut up._

Dean scoffed and punched his arm, mocking offense. Castiel winced and back-handed his own in return, which made Dean drop his phone into his lap in mid-text. He glared playfully at his friend, contemplating pulling him into a headlock, but then deciding against it, remembering Castiel's earlier hyperventilating.

"Fine, I'll surrender." Dean picked his phone off his lap and admitted his defeat to Charlie, who properly claimed her victory by using all caps and about 20-too many exclamation marks. Dean chuckled quietly, then turned to look at Cas. "You okay now?" Castiel nodded without looking at him, and Dean noticed his fingers tapping rhythmically on one of his jean-clad thighs. He was reminded of him playing the piano, and decided to ask. 

"So, why didn't you tell me about your mad piano skills?" He nudged him with his elbow gently, and Castiel flinched away almost violently, staring at Dean with huge, sapphire eyes before straightening up and mumbling an apology under his breath. Although Dean was majorly confused and even a little hurt, he let it go, telling himself Cas was just stressed out and that it had nothing to do with him. 

Hopefully. 

Castiel curled himself tighter, uncomfortable with talking about his ability. "Because they're not 'mad skills', Dean. I only know a few songs and I am uncomfortable with playing in front of people."

"Even me?" Dean asked, tone unbelieving. Castiel could hear that he was slightly hurt, even through his deep voice where he kept his emotions hidden. He began to justify his reasoning. "Well...you can sing, and play guitar, and you don't have stage fright like I do. I just now learned even you can play. I felt my piano playing wasn't significant enough to share with you when you're so much better in the music category." Dean sighed and reached for the remote to pause the movie. They hadn't been paying much attention to it in the first place, but he felt like the needed to. Then, he turned towards him. 

"Cas, you can tell me anything. I thought you knew this." He began, and Castiel nodded slowly, averting his eyes. "I-I do..."

"Then you should know that I don't give a shit who's better at playing whatever, and that if you play the piano or even the damn flute, that I'll support you 100%." Cas smiled genuinely. "Thank you, Dean."

"No prob." Dean shrugged. Castiel contemplated not saying anything, but decided to in the end. "What's so bad about the flute?"

Dean snorted. "It's so girly, man."

"Lucifer used to play the flute." Dean's face fell, pupils shrinking in fear. He looked directly at Cas. "You're shitting me."

"I'm not."

Silence. Then, Dean mustered out a sentence. "I'm glad he didn't hear that, or else he'd kill me."

With a smirk, Castiel agreed. "Probably. And I would get that on film too."

"Ugh, Cas!" Castiel just laughed. 

\---

Before either boy realized it, it was pitch black outside, and Michael was yelling at them to come down for dinner. They entered the dinning room, which was as big as their den, with a large table in the center that could seat 10. A white table cloth covered it, numerous dishes and a centerpiece of vivid flowers sitting on the surface. 

"Are you eating with us, Dean?" Balthazar questioned, looking up from setting the table. Dean declined, although the amount of food was mouthwatering, "Nah, I don't wanna impose." Usually they liked to do the family bonding thing when the brothers came down, and since Dean wasn't family...

"Nonsense," Anna argued, walking towards Dean and her younger brother, "You're always welcome here, Dean. You should know that by now. Plus, we made enough to feed the entire town." She patted his cheek with a wink, which Dean returned flirtatiously. Castiel felt like he was going to be sick. Fucking jealousy. 

"I guess I'll stay then." Dean grinned cheekily at Castiel, who rolled his darkening eyes. "Yeah, for Anna." He rushed over to help Balthazar place the plates and silverware, and Dean hurried after him to justify his choice. "Hey, that's not all, thanks. You are my best friend, Cas. I'm here for you." Although the declaration warmed his entire core- mostly his cheeks- he still wasn't entirely convinced. "I'm sure you are."

"Hey, c'mon now, Cassie, everyone knows that Dean-o is here for me." In his usual idiotic manner, Gabriel tucked himself into Dean's side, hitched his leg up and wrapped it around him, and stroked Dean's face in faux seduction. Dean jumped back, eyes blown wide. "Okay, Gabe, just a reminder that I'm straight as an iron rod."

"Well, Dean, _just a reminder_ that with enough heat and pressure, iron rods can be bent." He threw a wink at Castiel, which was unnoticed by Dean because of his unintelligible stuttering. Cas's cheeks inflamed, and he hurried to one of the center chairs, allowing whoever to sit by him (although something inside of him chanted "Dean, sit by me and not by Anna"). 

"Guys, no gay at the dinner table please." Lucifer requested with a smirk, sitting down in a chair next to Michael, who was perched at the head of the table. Gabriel faked disappointment as he snapped. "Man!" He jumped in next to Cas, leaving only one seat open...which Dean took, even after Anna took the seat by Lucifer. Castiel let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding.

And then he couldn't breath again when Michael announced to say grace.

One by one, each person grabbed a hand, Balthazar reaching awkwardly over the table to grasp Dean's. Dean offered his free one to Castiel, who stared at the offending limb like it had just slapped the shit out of him. Which, it should have done so. 

Holding hands with Dean Winchester: every girls'- and now, Castiel's- dream. 

His heart pumped wildly behind his chest, noticing the callouses and worn skin that was Dean's hand. 

Dean motioned impatiently for Castiel to take it, and he finally placed his own hand into it, gasping lightly. He was warm, but Castiel felt like the grip set his hand on fire. 

"Does anyone want to say grace?" Michael wondered. 

_Dear Lord, please forgive me for wanting my best friend. Amen._ Of course, Castiel wasn't about to say this out loud. 

"Why don't you, Michael? You haven't in a long time, I'm sure." Anna suggested, and Michael nodded in agreement. "Everyone bow your heads." Castiel did, but how on earth could he pay attention to all the things they were thankful for when Dean Winchester was holding his hand?

\---

Dinner remained uneventful, until Dean's mom called him immediately after they had finished eating and wondered if he was coming home. 

"I dunno, it depends if I'm allowed to stay the night." Dean looked at Cas questioningly. Castiel's heart skipped a beat. Dean sleeping in the same room with him was the absolute last thing he needed. 

"Well, I'm okay with it. Are the Novaks?" Cas heard Mary inquire. Dean gestured towards Cas impatiently, who jumped before rushing to ask Michael. 

"That's fine with me." He answered after contemplating for a moment, leading Cas to ponder why God seemed to hate him so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, I've been uninspired lately.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so so so so sorry this has taken so long to get out, but it's finally here, thanks to help from my good friend pulchrally, who actually wrote one of the scenes and helped me form ideas for this chapter. She's also my new beta-reader. I love her so much C:
> 
> Anyway without further ado, here's chapter 4. Finally.

Cas slowly began his walk of shame back up the stairs to return to his newfound crush he was now spending the night with. They hadn't done that in a couple of months, actually, since school nights were usually prohibited unless they were working on a project until late, and weekends were just so busy. Although they usually did spend time together then, recently, they hadn't been able to much. 

As he entered his room, he noticed Dean on the opposite side of it, shuffling through his music collection stored on the shelves tucked into the corner.

"Yeah, Mom, if you could call her up, or get Dad to, that'd be great...Because Ash never answers the phone! ...I can't call because they would ask me endless questions and then tease me about Cas like they always do...Yeah, I know they will. I'll have to deal with it then." All of the sudden, he turned his head sharply to look at Cas, seeming to just notice him, and took a step back from the shelves, pulling his hand away quickly as if the plastic cases had burned him. He raised his eyebrows at Cas in question of whether or not he could stay, and Cas merely nodded, processing what he had just heard. He knew Dean's family teased him about their close relationship, just as Cas's family did the same, but even Ellen, Bobby, and Ash did? (Jo, on the other hand, always teased them, and had since she first was introduced to Cas.)

"Mom, I can stay, but I gotta go. Just call Aunt Ellen, please...Thanks. Love you, bye." He pulled his phone away from his ear and hung up, pocketing it and then rubbing his hands together as he walked towards Cas. "So, what's on the agenda? Movie night?" He hoped he could distract Cas so the curious teen wouldn't ask any questions, but much to his dismay, he tilted his head to the side in his usual fashion. Dean innerly groaned. 

"Why are you trying to contact Ash?"

Dean sighed and rubbed the back of his neck as he answered. "I wanted your present to be as much as a surprise as possible, but I've given it some thought and I have no idea what songs I'm going to record, and I didn't know how, either; I knew Ash had some recording equipment lying around, so I was gonna see if he could bring it down- but they won't be here until the 20th, so I won't have much time to record many songs and visit my family..." Suddenly, an idea popped into his head, and he snapped his fingers. "I've now decided that you-" He paused and then was at Cas's neat and orderly desk, grabbing a random journal and a pen. He brought them both to Cas and practically shoved them in his hands before continuing, "-are going to pick, say like, 15 songs, and I will record as many as I can. Okay?" Cas was a little overwhelmed, but he opened the journal to a clean page and went to his desk, sat in his chair, then looked at Dean, who was right beside him. "Dean, no matter how many songs you record, or how you do so, I will still love and appreciate your gift. Calm down." Dean took a deep breath before smiling down at Cas sheepishly. "Sorry, buddy, it's just that, if I'm gonna do this, I want it to be done well, you know?" Cas ignored the butterflies fluttering rapidly in his stomach at Dean's determination (and smile, because damn, could that boy smile) and turned his attention to his journal. 

_15 of my favorite songs...wow, it'll be really hard to pick_ just _15._

So he began to jot down a few, planning on possibly crossing some out as the list progressed. 

_1\. Clocks- Coldplay_  
2\. The Scientist- Coldplay  
3\. Fix You- Coldplay  
4\. A Rush of a Blood to the Head- Coldplay 

"Dear God, Cas, do you only know Coldplay songs?" Dean teased, and Cas scoffed at him. "One day, Winchester, you will understand just how good Coldplay is." Dean snorted and rolled his bright, lively green eyes. "No way, _Novak._ I'll stick to my Metallica."

"Oh yes, your death metal." Castiel smirked, having purposely said the genre wrong. 

" _Heavy_ metal." Dean corrected him, and then slapped his bicep with the back of his hand. "Now, get to writing." So Castiel continued the list, steering away from Coldplay and moving to other bands. Like...The Fray. 

_5\. You Found Me- The Fray_  
6\. Never Say Never- The Fray  
7\. How to Save a Life- The Fray 

"Oh, now we're moving on to an entire list of Fray music."

" _The_ Fray, Dean."

"Same difference."

"I've never understood that statement. How can a difference be the same?"

"Cas. The list?"

"Oh. Right." He thought about songs that he could relate to next, and after a moment, he wrote down a song he knew Dean also liked. 

_8\. Wake Me Up When September Ends- Green Day_

"Finally, a good song." Cas glared at Dean, although not really annoyed, and Dean smiled innocently in return. Cas snapped his gaze back to the paper, blood rushing to his cheeks. 

_9\. Iris- The Goo Goo Dolls_

He almost waited for Dean's approval, but shockingly, the teen stayed quiet, so he freely scribbled down the next few songs that came to his mind.

_10\. Drops of Jupiter- Train_  
11\. The Man Who Can't Be Moved- The Script  
12\. Chasing Cars- Snow Patrol 

Dean started to laugh, then, and Cas sighed exasperatedly and turned to him. "I'm sorry my taste is too 'girly' for you. Should I put Metallica songs on here instead?" Guilt spread slowly in Dean's stomach for teasing Cas. "They're not girly, Cas. I'm sorry for making fun of your taste in music." Cas began to smile at Dean's genuine apology, so he turned away in order for Dean to think he was still annoyed with him. 

"You know, this is _my_ present." His voice failed to sound even a little annoyed, but Dean apologized again anyway. "I know, I know, I'm sorry."

After a pause to think about the fact that he did like some of Dean's favorite music, Castiel admitted, "I do like that one slow Metallica song, though."

"What, 'Nothing Else Matters?'"

"I think so." And much to Castiel's dismay (because he swore that Dean's voice turned him on far too much than was considered normal), Dean started to sing the opening of the song in order to determine if it was the one Cas was referring to. 

_"So close no matter how far/Couldn't be much more from the heart-"_

"Yeah, that's it." Castiel's voice was wrecked and he had to clear it, praying that Dean wouldn't notice. His voice could move mountains. Maybe even cure the blind. 

His voice was Castiel's personal miracle. 

Dean nodded once, slightly embarrassed that he was singing and that he had an audience. Of course it was of one, and it was his best friend who would never judge him and would soon have an entire album with his voice on it, so he swallowed his fear and continuing singing, just under his breath. _"Forever trusting who we are/And nothing else matters..."_ He stopped as Cas wrote it and another oldie that Dean particularly liked down. 

_13\. Nothing Else Matters- Metallica  
14\. Knockin' on Heaven's Door- Bob Dylan_

The guilt grew, and he placed his hand on Cas's shoulder. "Aw Cas, you don't have to write down those songs for my sake." Cas looked up at Dean, taking in his emerald and gold flecked eyes, many freckles, strong jawline, pink, plush lips...

After a moment of hesitation and awe, he replied, "They remind me of you. I like them." His heart beat rapidly against his chest for his confession. Dean laughed almost nervously, and clapped his shoulder as Cas wrote the final song that popped into his mind at last minute. 

_15\. Who You Are- Madilyn Bailey_

Cas tore out the paper carefully and then handed it to Dean, who folded it hastily and without precision. It slightly bothered Cas, the neatfreak that he was, but of course the action was so Dean that he quickly got over it. 

"Alright, is it movie time?" Dean wondered, still replaying Castiel's genuine words over in his head. It made him feel warm and happy, and he needed a distraction from the sudden burst of girly feelings. 

Cas shrugged. "If you want. What would you like to watch?"

"I don't know, what's in your personal collection?" Dean wondered, already walking over to the entertainment center, where he opened the glass door to view all the movies on Cas's shelf. 

Castiel tried to remember the last movie he bought, and couldn't. "You look, I'll go get some snacks." He would let Dean handle the movies, since he was usually okay with anything. He left the room, wondering if they had any popcorn still. 

"Steal me some M&M's from your brother's stash!" Dean called after him, and then turned to the movies. 

He grimaced. Dean could easily say that his collection of movies was far more superior than Castiel's personal, sad assortment of Disney films and cheesy 80's and 90’s movies hidden behind his small sci-fi collection. He was aware that the rich family had the mother-load of just about everything downstairs, but since Castiel had already left, and he didn't feel like chasing him down nor pawing through the movies himself in front of Lucifer and Michael, he stayed upstairs. 

Dean knew that Cas wasn’t really picky when it came to watching movies; he was pretty much open to anything as long as it had some sort of comedy and a bit of drama. Hell, he even was okay with some of the horror stuff. Dean used to be sure that Cas would be against anything bloody, but when they watched their very first gore film together about three years ago, Dean was shocked to see Cas’s unfazed stare directed at the screen.

 _“You liked it?”_ Dean had asked when the credits began to roll, a concerned frown planted on his face. Cas simply nodded and shrugged in an uninterested fashion. _“It’s not like it was real. What's wrong? Were you afraid?”_ Castiel had a smug look across his face, and Dean wasn't about to let him get away with humiliating him by seeing right through his mostly stoic face. 

Dean responded with an irritated, _“Hell no,”_ and they proceeded to talk about watching a less graphic movie. 

\---

Dean gave one final sweep of the movies, finding nothing. Not one single decent movie, other than the sci-fi, which Dean honestly didn't feel like watching after loosing Princess Leia to Charlie. Any other movie he had seen too many times. So when he dug back into the shelf, he was met by the monstrosity that was cheesy movies. 

_...is that- fucking_ Greese, _dear God Cas..._

“Find anything?” Cas wondered as he approached the irritated Dean, arms and hands full with a large bowl of buttery popcorn, a movie box of M&M's, two plastic cups, and a cold 2 liter bottle of Coke. 

"Not really," Dean answered, and he stole a large handful of popcorn. Cas glared at him, so he grinned at him with chipmunk cheeks. Cas snorted in amusement at him before muttering to find Dean's sweats and t-shirt that he left proposely at Cas's for unplanned sleepovers. (He also said something about not touching the food again after setting it all down, but Dean wasn't about to listen to that)

Castiel easily found Dean's clothes in the back of his closet. How long had it been since Dean left them here? A year? He hoped they still fit. Over the past year, Dean had not only grown in size but in muscle tone, and the clothes looked a little small now...

“Cas, what the hell is this?”

Startled, Castiel jumped and looked up, his eyes meeting with _Pretty in Pink_ and an annoyed Dean. His face flushed red, completely embarrassed. "I-It's Anna's, I watch it with-"

"I'm sure," Dean interrupted, voice unbelieving, and a smug grin on his face, "Do you have anything that doesn't suck?"

Cas, extremely embarrassed, stormed over and ripped the movie out of his hand and replaced it by shoving the clothes in Dean's face. While Dean was temporarily blind, he nudged him out if the way to find something good. "I haven’t updated my shelf in a while. I don’t really buy movies.” Something was missing, though, and the remembered that Gabriel had borrowed (stolen) his _Back to the Future I-III_ box set from him. Dean loved the third one, it being western themed. 

"Then what do you do? I doubt you spend your weekend watching _The Breakfast Club._ Geez, talk about throwback." 

Cas rolled his eyes at his stupid question and walked to the door to go steal his trilogy back from Gabe. "I spend my weekends with you, idiot."

Dean smirked at him and spoke, so Castiel stopped in the doorway to listen. "Obviously that's not enough if my taste in entertainment hasn't rubbed off on you." 

"I'm sorry that I don't have a taste in porn." Castiel deadpaned.

An embarrassed pink spread over Dean's freckled face. He folded his arms as defended himself. "That's not all I enjoy."

Cas leaned against the frame, folding his own arms and raising his eyebrows. "I don't know about that. I guess I should hang out with you even more than I do. Maybe then _my_ taste in entertainment will rub off on _you_." Cas's shit-eating grin was enough for Dean, and his teasing was far more effective than his own. Unable to match it, he could only agree. "Maybe you should." 

God. He had this adorable smile on his face and all Cas really wanted to do was march over to him and kiss it off. Luckily, Dean became focused on something other than Cas and his crush on Dean that felt like it was becoming rather obvious. 

"Hey, is that _Sorry_?" Dean pointed to the closet, and Cas turned to find Sorry on the very top shelf. "Yeah, it is. Why?"

"We used to play it all the time when we were kids." Dean recalled, and Cas chuckled as he continued telling the memory. "Yeah, and you got angry when I beat you for the- what, 5th time in a row? So you flipped it off the table."

Dean laughed hard as the scene replayed in his head. "Oh my God, I thought you were gonna cry. I felt so bad."

"I was about to cry!" Cas claimed, "That's why we never played it again."

"I wouldn't say never." Dean walked over to the closet and pulled the box down from it's hiding place, swiping off the layer of dust from the top. "You wanna play it now?" He held it up and out towards Cas in invitation. 

Cas only considered it for a moment before smirking. "Only if you don't get pissed off when I beat you." 

"Them's fightin' words, Novak." As Dean approached him, a challenging grin gracing his lips, Cas took the box from his outstretched hands. "I only speak the truth." They took a seat on the floor in front of his bed. Cas pulled the lid off and tossed it to the side, pulled out the blue game pieces while Dean grabbed the green ones. "You're a little shit, you know that?" And like Castiel hadn't heard that a million times before. He rolled his eyes before picking up the game board, moving the bottom of the box, and placing it down in its place, unfolded. "Why wouldn't I, with you telling me all the time?" Dean just laughed quietly to himself, and together they set up the game. 

Maybe things were and would be the same between them. Castiel only had to refrain himself from expressing any type of romantic gesture, and after a while, maybe it really wouldn't be all that difficult anymore. 

\---

They spent nearly two hours playing the stupid boardgame, in the meantime consuming all the snacks and almost downing the entire 2 liter of Coke. They conversated, teased, taunted, and took revenge on each other for about 7 rounds. There were rounds where Cas won against Dean ( _"I'm sorry, but you need to go back to start." "You're not sorry, shut up!"_ ), and there were rounds where Dean beat Cas ( _"You must have cheated." "I did not! I won fair and square. You're just jealous."_ ), but in the end Cas did win by a single game, because Dean didn't feel like playing another one to prove himself. "Okay Cas, you won." After admitting defeat, they began to pick up the pieces. 

"I'm very impressed, Dean, you managed not to flip the game board this time." Castiel teased with a tone far too serious. Dean chucked his four green pieces at his asshole of a best friend, and they bounced off of his chest, and both into his lap and onto the floor. 

"You're so mean to me, ya bitch."

Cas caught one swiftly before it rolled under his bed. "You're mean to me too, you ass." He dropped them into the box, weary that Dean might use them as weapons again. 

The game all cleaned up, Dean stood and stretched, back giving a satisfying pop. "What? No assbutt this time?" 

"That too." Cas also stood up and stretched, box in hand. Dean chuckled and waved him off. "Okay, okay, enough insulting each other, we gonna watch something or what?" 

"Oh right, I was planning on stealing _Back to the Future_ back from Gabe." Cas remembered, and Dean ushered for him to hurry up. "Well? Get to it!" 

"Okay, I will." Cas shoved the _Sorry_ box into Dean's chest roughly, who grabbed it with an oof before Cas let go and scampered off to dig through Gabe's mess of a room to find the movies. 

While Cas was gone, having full knowledge of Gabriel's messy room (it was practically a trashed candy shop in there) and how long it might take to find the movies, Dean decided to go ahead and change. He placed the game back onto the shelf, grabbed his clothes, and disappeared into the adjoining bathroom to change...and relieve himself first, suddenly realizing how bad he had to pee. 

The clothes looked smaller than he remembered. Kicking his jeans off, he slipped into the sweats, which still seemed to fit comfortably. He just had to wear them low on his hips in order for his ankles to not show. How dorky would that be otherwise? He then shrugged off his flannel shirt, following with his t-shirt, peeling it off carefully, avoiding the golden amulet Sam had gotten him when they were younger. He never took that off, except when it broke that one time and his dad had to fix it. But John had guaranteed that it wouldn't break again, and so far it hadn't; that didn't mean Dean wasn't going to be careful. The necklace meant the world to him. 

The shirt no longer fit- it was one of his old ones at the time that he left it at Cas's anyway, so he wasn't surprised. He respectfully chucked it in the corner of Cas's neat and orderly bathroom, smirking because he knew Cas would be slightly bothered by the mess. He picked his other clothes up, and then opened the bathroom door to put them in Cas's room. And then he stopped, contemplating between putting his T-shirt back on or going shirtless. He always wore clothes to bed in places he wasn't completely comfortable with, and although he was comfortable at Cas's, there were people here who would make a big deal about him walking around without a shirt on. He took a glance at himself in the mirror, and admired how far he had come from the scrawny looking kid he used to be. He had pretty defined muscles- biceps, triceps, abs...not a six pack, but those were a definite possiblity in the future, if he kept working out.

A small crash startled him, and he jumped and turned to the cause of the noise.

Cas was standing there, the _Back to the Future_ movies scattered from their box at his feet. He had huge eyes, like a deer caught in headlights, and Dean motioned to the DVD cases on the floor. Cas dropped to pick them up immediately, processing what he had just witnessed. 

_Dean. Shirtless. Muscles. Defined muscles. Low sweatpants. Showing his hips. Beautiful. Gorgeous. Sexy. Damn it. I'm so gay. And screwed._

When Cas collected both the movies and his sanity, he stood up, only to find a still shirtless Dean, leaning against the frame on one arm, his opposite hand resting on his hip. He smirked, body language accusing. "Dude, were you checking me out?"

Cas nearly dropped the movies _again._ Fuck him and his stupid player-like personality that made him think it was okay to flirt with every person in the God damn universe. Fuck. Him. 

"No!" Castiel nearly shouted, feeling his face become hot instantly, and Dean's shit-eating grin only grew. How the hell did he _not_ know that Cas liked the guy?! Or did he? God- fuck Dean Winchester.

...and if that wasn't an appealing thought.

Pure heat that rivaled fire started pooling in his abdomen steadily, and though he wasn't entirely experienced in that area, he was enough to know what that meant. 

"Put a shirt on, for God's sake!" Castiel ordered loudly, and practically stomped off to go put the first movie in, willing his newfound lust for his, you know, _God awful best friend_ , to go the hell away. 

Dean was over there laughing up a storm, but he disappeared into the bathroom, so Castiel hoped to every fucking entity in possible existence that he was heeding his advice. 

"Dude, you _sooo_ were, but it's okay. I'll take it as a compliment." By this time Castiel's body was completely burning hot. Luckily for him, when Dean exited the bathroom, he was wearing his shirt from earlier today, his other clothes in his hands. Breathing out a sigh of relief, he questioned in the most normal tone he could muster, "Other one didn't fit?" 

Dean threw the clothes on to floor against the wall, out of the way. "Nope. I was planning on going shirtless, but _someone_ had to make a big deal about my muscles." How could he still be teasing him?

"I-I'm sorry, I-"

Dean cut him off almost immediately. "Buddy, chill. It's okay to admire other guys sometimes. No need to get defensive. I know you don't swing my way. Alright?"

Cas could only nod rapidly, quickly gather his own clothes to sleep in, and shut himself in the bathroom. 

He splashed cold water on his face to cool himself down. Once. Twice. Breathing heavily, he peered into his mirror to find blown pupils and flushed cheeks. Water trickled down his face like rivers, dripping off his chin and jaw and nose, right into the sink. 

Dean had no clue of his infatuation, and Cas kept telling himself that in his head repeatedly. But it wouldn't remain that way for long if he didn't get a hold of himself and control his reactions. 

After a few minutes, Dean called out, "Hey, I'm gonna start the movie!" and Cas replied, "Okay, be out in a minute!" 

He stripped down quickly, into navy blue sweats and a gray T-shirt, but didn't leave the bathroom for a couple more minutes, giving himself time to calm down completely. 

When he did walk out, Dean, laying on top of the covers on Cas's bed, back against the headboard, was mostly already engrossed in the movie, and didn't even look at him when he spoke. "Hey, would you turn the light off?" Cas did so, and nervously climbed up beside Dean. 

Together, they forgot about earlier events, making fun of the old timey effects, laughing at the stupid parts, and holding their breath at the intense ones, despite having seen the movie several times before. 

And at the romantic moments? Dean stayed silent and stoic, while Cas longed for him and Dean to be dancing like George and Lorraine, kissing without a care in the world. 

Dean was still wide awake after the movie was over- it was only just after midnight, after all. He turned to Cas, who looked somewhat tired, but still holding attention. "You wanna watch the second one?" Cas was honestly exhausted, but he didn't want to sleep. He figured he could stay awake for another two hours- he had done it before, and the movie would be engaging enough to keep his eyes open. "If you want to, sure." Dean slid off the bed to go switch the disks. "We won't have time to watch the third one." he noted as he placed the first disk in it's rightful case. 

"We can skip the second one. It's not illegal." Cas pointed out, and Dean gasped in mock horror. "It's Time Travelers law, Cas." But he took out the third one instead and placed it on the awaiting DVD tray. "We're breaking it by doing this."

Sarcasm dripped from Cas's low voice. "Wow. We might be arrested." Dean nodded over-dramatically, heading back to Castiel and the remote, using it to skip straight to the title screen. "Or worse- cause a paradox." 

"God forbid we break the universe." Cas remarked, even more sarcastically than before, and Dean had to wonder how exactly that was possible. "Oh well. Hopefully we don't die." And he played the movie. 

\---

They didn't die, but they both may have done something worse about halfway through the movie. 

Dean was struggling to keep his eyes open, head nodding off to the side when suddenly Cas was leaning against him, head nearly falling off his shoulder and almost on his chest. The Winchester at this point was too exhausted to care that his best friend was laying on him the way a girlfriend would, allowed it to happen, and stopped fighting to remain concious. 

The TV light flickered on their relaxed, unaware faces, and when the DVD automatically shut off for inactivity, and then the TV, they were submerged in darkness, where they shifted and laid in more comfortable positions, but were also more compromising to their friendship as well.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have some important things to make note of (read until below for triggers):
> 
> -I have changed the summary drastically  
> -I have added to the tags  
> -I changed the warnings  
> -I've changed Dean's age after thinking about it (he's 16, nothing drastic and honestly it doesn't matter)  
> -I dunno if I've said this before but I changed some of the dialogue in the past couple chapters, again nothing drastic and you don't have to go back and read it. It's just that this story was thought up like a year ago and I've changed it a lot since then.  
> -I had no beta reader for this chapter so any mistakes are on me and I apologize  
> -I also think I've said this before but my URL has changed so I'll say it again: if you want to follow me on Tumblr my username is of-marks-and-men. I'm mostly a Supernatural/Destiel blog but I post other things too.  
> -I made a graphic type thing if you guys want to check it out: http://of-marks-and-men.tumblr.com/post/95074891332/made-a-thing-for-my-destiel-high-school-au-lights  
>  **-WARNING: There are talks of the Christian religion, suicide, depression, and homophobic themes in this chapter. Although it's mild, if you are easily triggered or don't like to read about any of this stuff, you don't have to read. Please don't upset yourself!**

Dean was warm and comfortable. 

It was mornings like so where he didn't want to even attempt to open his eyes as he steadily regained conciousness, and simply desired to roll over and slumber for even longer instead. 

But something was weighing down the left side of his body, where he was most warm, which startled him; he didn't bring a girl home last night, and he hadn't wanted to in a while. 

Then he remembered that he wasn't home, and that he was at the Novak's. 

Last night rushed back into his memory as fast as a bullet, and his eyes shot open just as quickly in realization. 

Castiel was sleeping peacefully next to him, head resting on his chest, moving with Dean's accelerated breathing. His arm was sprawled across his stomach, other pinned under himself with his knuckles barely brushing Dean's side. One leg was thrown on top of his left one. 

Dean's heart began to race. He wanted to get up, but with Castiel on his chest and his arm stretched out behind his sleeping form, he probably couldn't do it without waking him up first. 

Either way, Cas would wake up and they would both be in an awkward situation Dean was sure even Cas, the king of awkward, wouldn't want to endure.

Dean's mind raced. The only reason he became alarmed is that _he was initially okay with this_ , which in return made him totally not okay with it. Why the hell was he okay with this?! Sleeping with your best friend of the same sex and not minding it was not on the list of _Things That Are Considered 'Okay'_ , and cuddling was considerably farther off the list than just sleeping. 

He couldn't take it anymore. If he didn't wake Cas up, his heart would, and that would certainly rise more questions that he couldn't answer. 

With his free arm, he shook Cas's shoulder once. "Cas." Cas made a grunt of disapproval, dark eyebrows furrowing in a way that was-

He shook Cas harder. "Dude, wake up and get off of me now." That sentence seemed to startle Cas into alertness- his eyes shot open and he raised up onto his elbow, staring deep into Dean's eyes with a look of horror. 

"Shit, shit, I'm sorry." He scrambled up into a sitting position, and Dean took back his arm and sat up too. "It's fine, dude, we were asleep." He yawned and stretched, T-shirt rising to show a sliver of tan skin that Castiel ached to touch as much as he craved to be cuddled back into Dean's side. 

"It's kinda my fault anyway, after you passed out I was too tired to care nor move, so." Dean grinned halfheartedly and shrugged, like, "it's no big deal that we just slept together and I allowed it." Because Dean knew it was just fatigue. That's all it was. Fatigue.

He refused to think it could have been anything else. 

Cas was glad that it was still dark in his room, because he could feel the heat in his face rising steadily. Half of him thought how odd Dean's statement was, and the other half dismissed it and flat out said, _Dean would never like you like that, nevertheless sleep with you because he wanted to._

It upset Castiel more than he wanted to admit. 

"I'm gonna go take a leak." Dean announced suddenly, standing and padding over to the bathroom with bare feet. 

Almost immediately after Dean shut the door, Gabriel barged in through Castiel's bedroom door. Seeing that his brother was awake, he said, "Yo, I thought Dean-O stayed the night." 

He then took in the overly ruffled sheets, the dented pillow beside Cas, and his younger brother's unruly sex hair and his pupils grew. When he opened his mouth to speak, Cas cut him off irritatedly. "We fell asleep, shut up."

"Sure, and I'm a virgin."

"You _are_ a virgin, you ass."

Gabriel was silent for a moment, and then he began to chant rather loudly, "Cassie slept with Dean-O! Cassie slept with Dean-O!"

Dean burst out of the bathroom then, hurrying around the entertainment center to glare at Gabe. "What the hell, man? Did you hear him? We fell asleep. That's it."

"Sure, and I've already lost my virginity." Gabriel tried with his sarcasm once again, and this time Dean was the one confused. "I thought you already have?" Gabriel really didn't want to talk about his sex life, or lack thereof, so he pinned it back on Castiel. "Looks like Cassie did too." Dean was seriously pissed off to the point where he was going to punch the not-so angel right in the mouth, and with his fists clenched, he opened his mouth to yell...but Castiel beat him to it, with a comment that would do more damage than Dean's fists. 

"At least I can get someone in my bed." Dean snorted before proceeding to laugh his ass off, and Castiel joined in shortly after. Gabriel's look went from one of offense to one of rage, and he growled through clenched teeth, "Whatever, breakfast is ready, you assholes." And he slammed Castiel's door, only making both teens laugh even harder. Tears were coming out their eyes and they gasped for air like fish out of water. 

"Damn, Cas, you got him good." Dean finally said breathlessly, wiping unshed tears from his eyes. Cas finally quit laughing himself, cleaning off tears with his shirt. "He's going to get me back for that."

"Of course, he's the prank master. Now come on, let's go downstairs before he poisons our food." 

\---

Gabriel scowled at them from across the table, but Cas and Dean tried to ignore him as best as possible, stuffing their faces with pancakes, bacon, and eggs to keep from bursting into laughter once more. 

The rest of the family was unusually quiet, which was weird, since Lucifer was usually taunting Dean (along with Gabriel) and Michael was telling stories of college. They glanced at Dean repeatedly, but that was it. Anna and Balthazar tried to break the silence, but no one would bite. Cas could feel the severe tension in the air, and was glad to leave the room once him and Dean cleared their plates. 

"What the hell was up with that?" Dean remarked as he gathered up his clothes to change back into. Cas merely shrugged, knowing it had something to do with him, as it always did. He could feel depression slowly prying at the edge of his happiness. 

"I hope Gabriel didn't tell them we slept together." Dean growled, and Cas shrugged again, even though he was sure that was what had happened. 

And when Dean had to leave and drove away, Cas's eyes chased the car down the street until it disappeared along with the remainder his happiness. 

He collapsed onto his bed and laid there for an unknown amount of time, unmoving as he stared at the ceiling. It was all he could bring himself to do. 

"Castiel!" Michael suddenly called up the stairs, "May we have a word with you?"

Panic flooded Castiel's system, mind and heart both racing. He really hoped this wasn't about what he thought it was. 

He took a slow walk of shame down his stairs, not ready for the conversation that was awaiting him at the bottom. 

\---

As soon as Dean entered the house, he was met with Christmas festivities- Sam sat on the floor beside an undecorated white Christmas tree, sorting through boxes of ornaments. His father was untangling the lights impatiently, eyebrows furrowed in frustration. His mother was at the radio, most likely putting on Christmas tunes that Dean didn't particularly enjoy, but whatever. 

"Just in time!" Sam called from where he was buried in one of several boxes filled with ornaments. Dean snorted at his father, who still struggled with the lights. "You need help, Dad?"

"No, I think I got it." John replied through clenched teeth, obviously lying, but Dean just accepted his father's answer, heading over to his little brother and mussing his long hair that nearly covered his hazel eyes. "Get a haircut." Sam batted his hands away irritatedly. "Get a life that doesn't involve you critiquing mine." Dean scoffed, slightly taken aback by his brother's snark, growing more hostile by the day. "Nerd."

"Jerk."

"Bitch."

"Dean!"

"Sorry."

"Finally!" Everyone turned to John, who had detangled the lights triumphantly. He plugged them in to see if they worked...but alas, they didn't light up. Sam and Dean held back their laughter at their father's darkening expression, exchanging amused glances. 

"Honey, I've been telling you this for years: either we buy a newer string of lights that don't crap out when one bulb is loose or you can go through every single bulb to figure out which one is the culprit." Mary suggested cautiously from safely across the room. John tore the plug from the outlet, grumbling about stupid lights and wastes of time. He headed out the front door without an explanation. From inside, they heard the garbage can lid slam close before his truck door, and then it roared to life and the engine rumbling faded into the distance. Dean and Sam burst out laughing, doubling over. Mary chided them, "Boys, don't laugh at your father." But was giggling too, so she wasn't serious and they weren't going to listen. 

She came over then and kneeled down to help them sort through the boxes. "We're going with a blue and silver theme this year," she informed Dean, and they carefully searched for all the right ornaments and the family ones that went up every single year. 

"So, Dean, how was the sleepover?" Mary wondered after a couple moments of silence, and Sam choked back a laugh. Dean elbowed him harshly in the ribs, and Sam immediately shut up, rubbing his side gingerly. 

"We're not teenage girls, Mom. It wasn't a 'sleepover', I just spent the night over there." Dean corrected her, bringing out a case of sparkly silver ornaments and setting them off to the side. 

Mary rolled her eyes. "Excuse me. How was your 'man hangout'?" She used air quotes, which Dean promptly ignored. "It was fine. We watched movies, Gabriel acted like an ass, the usual." He wasn't going to mention falling asleep with Cas. At all.

Mary found the tree topper, a angel with a blue silk tunic, and set the antique to the side gently. "And Cas's older brothers?" 

"Surprisingly not douchebags. They're being...nice. Except for this morning. They acted kinda weird."

Sam found a set of the blue decorations and set them on top of Dean's find. "Maybe they feel sorry for the way that they've treated him in the past?" he suggested, and Dean was about to answer, but his mom had a question of her own. "They acted weird this morning? How so?" 

He immediately regretting oversharing. "I dunno. Just weird." He shrugged, but _damn_ he really couldn't lie to his mom at all, and she stared him down, unconvinced. "Dean." Dean sighed heavily and sat up straight, taking a break from the scavenger hunt. "Okay, fine...Cas and I fell asleep in his bed and I think they all thought we slept together." His face was beginning to burn, because he knew his family would assume the same. 

"You did sleep together though." Sam pointed out, like the shit-head he was, and Dean shot him a dark glare. "Shut up, twerp!" he ordered angrily, but Sam wasn't fazed and just snickered. 

"Dean." Mary brought him back into the actual situation at hand, and he glanced at her cautiously. "Did you sleep with Cas?"

Dean flushed darker, and he was aware that it was probably noticeable, but his mom was seriously asking if he had just had sex with his _best friend_ , so he had the right to be embarrassed, damn it. "No! Mom, I'm not- Cas isn't- we aren't- Cas is my best friend!" He couldn't form complete sentences for some fucking reason and stammering certainly did not help his case. Sam was practically rolling around on the floor with laughter, and Dean swore that he would get the bastard back for being such a dick. 

Mary backhanded her youngest son's shoulder. "Stop it!" she ordered through a harsh whisper, and he listened, covering his mouth with his hands to prevent laughter from escaping. Then she looked back at her other extremely frustrated son. "Okay, I believe you. Continue." Dean rubbed his temple as he explained. "So we were eating breakfast and everyone was dead silent. Like they were just staring us down or looking at each other. Anna and Balthazar were trying to talk but it wasn't working. When I asked Cas about it after breakfast, he really wouldn't talk. I just figured I should leave early. They obviously didn't want me there anymore." Mary didn't say a word, and only had a thoughtful look on her face. 

"I hope Cas is okay." Sam finally said, realizing that no on else would speak. 

Dean nodded in agreement. "Yeah. Me too. Maybe I should text him." His fingers felt on the outside of his pocket for his phone, just in case. It was there, and now he was dying to check on him. 

Mary stood and popped her aching back, having found all the ornaments. "Oh, I'm getting too old for this." She looked at the clock on the wall for the time. "I'm sure he's fine. Text him, but when your father gets home, it's family time, and you both go put up your phones."

Sam immediately replied like a little solider. "Yes m'am."

Dean rolled his eyes in annoyance. "Sammy, you don't even text."

Mary butt in again, this time against Sam rather than Dean. "Actually, he wouldn't even look up from his phone yesterday. He kept smiling at his screen and it was so cute." she gushed, and Sam was _blushing_ , bright red and embarrassed. "Moooom..." he whined, and Dean was 99% sure who it was. "Oh, are you texting Jess now?!" Jess was a young blonde haired girl that Sam had been assigned to work on a project with a couple weeks ago. She had been over to their house several times and Sammy had been a nervous wreck around her every single one of them. Jess was very kind and had manners and Dean liked the kid.

And, obviously, so did Sam. 

"I have been!" he proclaimed, tightening his grip on his phone, as if worried Dean would steal it from him to read the texts (which was smart of him, because Dean would totally do that), "We just started texting more, is all." he mumbled, staring down at his phone. 

"Someone's gotta girlfriend!" Dean teased in a sing-song voice, and Sam glared daggers at him. "She's not my girlfriend!"

Mary put in her own word once again, and Dean really loved karma right now. "She'll want to be after she sees her gift."

What? Gift? Why didn't he know about this? "You got her a gift?!" he exclaimed, slightly hurt that he wasn't informed of this, "When?! I didn't see this gift!"

"Because I knew you would do this!" Sam answered exasperatedly, rubbing his forehead and thinking about chunking his phone at the wall. "It's nothing, anyway..."

Mary gushed once again, standing beside Dean and placing her hand on his shoulder to get his attention, "He got her a necklace. With his own money."

"Mom!" Sam yelled frustratedly. Dean had never seen his brother so flustered in his life. 

"Aw, Sammy's got a girlfriend, Sammy's got a girlfriend." Dean sung again, and Sam was genuinely angered with all the teasing being directed at him. "Shut up, you jerk!" Mary realized his feelings, and she apologized to Sam. "I'm sorry, Sammy, it's just so exciting. Now, Dean, stop teasing your brother." Sam breathed out a sigh of relief. 

"Fine..." Mary was apparently satisfied with this and walked off. 

"Yeah, go check up on your boyfriend." Sam muttered angrily, thumbs tapping the keys on his phone and screen angled away so Dean couldn't snoop. 

Dean had half a mind to knock the phone right out of his hands. "Cas isn't my boyfriend!" But he pulled out his phone anyway, finding 3 new messages...none from Cas. 2 from Charlie and 1 from Benny, and they could be ignored until later. 

Sam made sure to stay quiet so their mother didn't reprimand them once again for arguing. "Sure he isn't. You're making him an album of songs sung by you, Dean. Probably love songs, too."

Dean couldn't deny that. "Cas picked them out, fuck off." Making a mental note to later check in with Mary about Ash, Dean ignored his nucience of a brother, who was laughing quietly to himself, and tried to figure out how to check on Cas. 

**You ok? Worried about you**

Delete. 

**You alright? Family thinks we slept together too so**

Delete. 

**Are things ok?**

Send. 

...

No reply.

And to make sure, he checked for one every minute or so. After 10 minutes, he had to send another text. 

**Text me asap**

He hoped that wasn't too desperate. He was aware that he probably wouldn't receive a reply to that, either. In the meantime, he found Mary in his parents room to ask her about the recording equipment. 

"Did you get a hold of Ellen?" He asked from the doorway. Mary looked up from her phone. "I did, actually. Ash is all for it and Ellen and Bobby are even giving Jo her Christmas present early so she can help out- it's a portable keyboard." Dean's face split into a huge, thankful smile. "Awesome. I'll have to thank them." Mary nodded with her own smile. "You can call them later. What about Cas?" Dean's smile faltered. "Nothing."

Mary noticed her son's distress and tried to comfort him, although she knew this wasn't normal for Cas. "I'm sure he's just busy, Dean. Nothing to worry about."

Cas always texted him, even when he was busy. But he wasn't going to point that out. "I guess." he accepted, and left his mother's room, half excited and half worried.

When John arrived home, Dean had to put his phone upstairs like his mom had told him to. It was close to dying anyway. After plugging it up, he checked for a reply one last time, and seeing none, he reluctantly went downstairs without his only current connection to Cas. 

\---

"Did you sleep with Dean?"

Well that was blunt.

The family meeting was well underway already, with Castiel not even making it fully into the living room before Michael questioned him. His other siblings sat on the couch uncomfortably. 

"No!" Castiel blurted out, and then considered the situation. "Well. Yes. But we didn't have sex! We just slept. We fell asleep watching a movie and that was it." Anna was squirming and she finally turned to Lucifer and Michael. 

"It doesn't even matter-"

"Anna. Please. Let us handle this." Michael interrupted, holding his hand up as a silent command to calm herself. Anna folded her arms angrily. 

"You know what happens to gay people, right?" Lucifer questioned Cas, who was immediately taken aback. Where the hell had that come from?! 

"What?!" he nearly squeaked, and Gabriel leaned forward to try and reason with their older brothers next. "Lucifer-"

"Shut up, Gabriel." Lucifer said almost too calm, which made it even more menacing. 

"I'm not gay!" Castiel really didn't know _what_ he was. He had never felt anything towards anyone but Dean. Even when Meg was forcing herself on him, he never considered even liking her. But he wasn't about to explain that to his protest-bound brothers. 

Lucifer seemed rageful about Castiel's possible sexuality, even though he had just joked around about homosexuality last night. Michael tried to remain calm about it. "Castiel, we have grown up with you. We see the way you act around Dean. We see the way you act around girls. There is a major difference. You've never even been with a girl." Castiel wanted to say, _How the hell do you know?_ But he was smart enough not to. 

Gabriel jumped forward again. "Wait a sec. Just because he acts a certain way towards Dean doesn't mean he's _gay_ , or attracted to him. Geez, they are just best friends and have been since the fifth grade! I may joke about it from time to time, but if Castiel says he isn't gay, then he isn't gay." Castiel was so thankful for Gabriel, but felt so guilty that his siblings were all turning on each other because of his stupid crush on Dean. He felt absolutely terrible and wondered why he was even alive. 

"Gabriel, stay out of this." Lucifer growled lowly, and he shook his head and stood defiantly. "No! Family meetings mean that we get a say in this too."

Anna also stood, following her brother. "You say he hasn't has a girlfriend. Well, he hasn't had a boyfriend, either. And he has made out with a girl before. You have no proof of his sexuality, and this interrogation is pointless." He was immensely thankful for Anna too. 

"Anna-" Now it was she who was cutting Michael off. "Castiel is our brother! You should be supporting him and his decisions no matter what!" Castiel wanted to cry. He really did. His entire body ached with the need to breathe properly and he was beginning to wish he had never been born. Then maybe their family wouldn't be so fucked up and his siblings would still have a mom. 

"Yeah!" Gabriel shouted before they could argue, "And even _if_ Cassie did like Dean, that doesn't make him _gay_. You can't just label him like that."

"Okay, pray tell, what else would you call it?" Lucifer motioned for him to continue. Gabriel counted each one on his finger as he named them. "Bisexual, pansexual, demisexual-" 

Michael wasn't having it. "Which are all against our Christian religion, and all result in going to Hell." Gabriel and Anna and Castiel were completely mortified. Balthazar, who hadn't spoken because he found that he agreed with neither side, even looked shocked. 

_Maybe I deserve to go to Hell. I deserve penance for my sins._

"So you're homophobes." Gabriel deadpaned, crossing his arms and staring at his brothers accusingly. 

Michael shook his head. "We're not homophobic. We aren't _afraid_ of _gays_." The word rolled off his tongue like a curse word. Castiel swore he was shrinking with every single word his siblings uttered. He felt helpless. "We are Christians. We aren't tolerating this in our own home, and neither should the rest of you. Imagine what Dad would think." 

"He isn't even here!" Gabriel shouted, fiery rage in his eyes, throwing his arm out to gesture to the entire family _minus one (two)._

"Yeah, well neither is Mom! Imagine what she would think." Lucifer pointed out, stepping forward and getting in Gabriel's personal space, and Cas wondered if he was going to hit him. He'd rather Lucifer hit him instead. Gabriel didn't deserve this. 

Gabriel honestly didn't know what she would think. He looked to Anna helplessly, who was so angry and unsure that she couldn't speak either. 

No one could. 

"Exactly," Michael said in response to the silence, "So Castiel. You either stop this...rebellious stage you're going through, or you won't see Dean anymore. Do you understand?" Castiel couldn't live with that. He just couldn't. If he wasn't allowed to see Dean anymore...

He might kill himself. 

"This isn't a rebellious stage!" He shouted, voice breaking and full of panic and rage. "I'm not against the Bible! I'm not _gay_! Dean and I are just friends! That's all we've ever been, and that's all we'll ever be!"

It hurt like hell to admit that outloud. 

"We're not stupid!" Lucifer was now in Castiel's face, and he jumped back, trembling with fear. Michael actually pulled Lucifer back by his shoulder, shaking his head at him before looking at Castiel. "Castiel. You're our brother and we love you. So we'll give you another chance to redeem yourself. But if another incident happens like this again, we will send you away to someone who will _make sure_ you aren't gay and that you will _never_ turn gay _again_." 

If that was considered love, Castiel really didn't want to know what hate was. 

Balthazar finally put his opinion in. "This is ridiculous, Cassie is a human being with rights-"

Lucifer turned on a dime and snapped at his brother. "Gays are not _humans_ , Balthazar. They are walking sins and we will not tolerate it in this house!" Then he was looking at his youngest brother again. "Castiel! Do you understand?!"

Castiel understood that he wished he were dead. "...I understand."

"Good. Family meeting over." Michael replied simply, as if they had just had a conversation about world peace instead of how terrible Castiel was as a human- wait, no, he wasn't even a human, he was a "walking sin"- for being gay.

And he wasn't even gay. 

He had only fallen asleep with Dean and now he had been damned to Hell. 

Cas tried to remain calm as he made his way upstairs, but as soon as he entered his room, he broke down into dry sobs, chest heaving as he tried to breathe. He collapsed onto his bed in a heaping mess, knowing how much at risk he was for an asthma attack, but embracing it with open arms. He didn't deserve to live. But Anna was quick to enter and push the inhaler between his dry lips, gently ordering him to breathe in as she gave him a dose. She set it beside her on the bed and attempted to calm Cas down enough to where he would breathe again, placing his hands behind his head and rubbing his back after. When he was no longer in risk of an attack, she pulled him close to her, wrapping her arms around him and carding through his hair. "I'm sorry our brothers can be such bigots. I'm so sorry. But I won't let them do anything to you. I don't care if you're gay or bi or pan or whatever. You're my brother and love and support you no matter what. Unless you start murdering people. Then we have to talk." Castiel just couldn't smile or laugh at her comforting words, and only sniffed, tears pouring out of his eyes and steady down his face in guilt of his sucidal thoughts and dragging them into this mess and fear of the inevitable. He knew Anna wouldn't be able to fight for him, he just knew she would try as hard as she could. 

"Me too." Gabriel added from his sudden appearance in the doorway. He entered the room and sat on the other side of Cas, wrapping an arm around the both of them. "I'm sorry I teased you, earlier. That's what started this mess. I had to tell them what happened and now..." He broke off and then tranditioned. "Our brothers are assholes sometimes, whether they mean well or not. They just...Luci wants to impress Daddy no matter what, and would Mike blindly follow the guy into a volcano, no questions asked. This is probably all coming from the big man himself, honestly."

Cas sniffed and pulled away to wipe his face with the end of his shirt. "What's so wrong with being gay in the first place?" He miserably buried his face into Anna's shoulder, where she resumed her action of raking her fingers through his hair. "I don't think there's anything wrong with it. It doesn't seem like a thing to be damned to Hell for. I don't think God is like that."

Gabriel nodded. "I agree." 

"Well I don't." Startled, the three of them looked up to Balthazar, staring at him in surprise, and for Cas, horror. 

"I believe that a man should only lie with a woman, but Castiel, no matter what choice you make, I will accept it. I am officially...on your team. Because our brothers are bastards. You're still human and them calling you anything but is just terrible."

"Thanks, Balthazar." Castiel said through a broken voice. 

Balthazar nodded. "Don't mention it. Like, seriously, don't. Big brothers might get even more angry."

Gabriel looked towards Castiel. "So, Cassie, I have a question: what exactly _is_ going on between you and Dean?"

Cas didn't know if sharing was such a good idea. "Well..." He hesitated. 

"You don't have to tell us, Cas. It's alright." Anna assured him, glaring at Gabriel simultaneously. 

Cas sat up, pulling halfway out of their embrace. "No. You've all defended me when I'm actually at fault and you have the right to know." Anna disagreed immediately, but Castiel did not believe her. He took a deep breath. "I...I do have feelings for Dean. But I've never had feelings for anyone else, male or female. There was that incident with Meg, but...it was nothing compared to how I feel about Dean." He buried his face into his hands. "But Dean obviously just wants to be friends, and honestly, so do I. I don't want to feel like this. I want it to go away. It's causing too many complications."

"But, Cassie...-"

"Gabriel." Anna shook her head, a silent order to stop talking. Gabriel, for once, kept his mouth shut. 

"No matter what decision you make, we'll be here." Anna informed him gently, wrapping her arms tighter around him. 

"Thank you." 

"We should probably end this little meeting before they suspect something's up." Balthazar pointed out, looking out into the hall to make sure they weren't being spied on. 

Gabriel patted Castiel's back and then stood. "You're probably right." He looked to Anna in a silent gesture to come along. She shook her head. "You guys go, I'm going to talk to Cas for a little bit longer." Gabriel murmured "okay" and followed Balthazar out the door, shutting it behind him. Castiel put some distance between him and Anna. She then took a deep breathe, staring up to the Heavens. "You know, I think Mom would love and support you too, no matter what." She came back down and smiled at Castiel weakly. "I think that they can't see that because they still have the mindset to blame you for her death, when in reality, it was just her time. When they accept that, things will be a lot better."

"You mean 'if'." Castiel corrected her bitterly, eyes trailing the wooden pattern on his floor. 

Anna shrugged her shoulders "You may be right. They might not ever understand, and this ordeal might get worse. But I know one more person that would kill for you just to be happy and wouldn't let a single thing happen to you."

That caught Cas's attention. He brought his gaze back up to Anna, eyebrows pulled together in confusion. "Who?"

Anna scoffed as if it were as simple as adding. "Dean Winchester, of course." Castiel averted his attention to the floor, suddenly upset again. "Unless he finds out I like him."

Anna considered this assumption for a moment before shaking her head in disagreement. "You know what, Cas? I don't think that would even change a thing." 

"I hope it wouldn't." He prayed it wouldn't. 

If God was even listening to his prayers anymore. 

"Are you going to be okay?" Anna inquired, taking in her brother's bloodshot, dark ringed eyes, slumped over posture, and overall defeated look. Castiel had been depressed before, but she had never seen him like this. 

"I honestly don't know..." he admitted quietly, "Half of me thinks that...maybe everything they said was true. That I deserve to go to Hell for this. I just...I don't know what to do, Anna." Anna was quiet for a good while, allowing his words to sink in. She turned them over in her head, constructing her advice carefully. Castiel was just about to give up on her when she began to speak. "Castiel, the Bible states that every sin we commit is one more reason for us to go to Hell...but the Bible also says that Jesus died for our sins, and that if you accept God into your heart and you allow him to be your savior, you are granted passage into Heaven. We all sin. We all deserve to go to Hell. Some more than others. But God loves each and everyone of us. And he doesn't love you any less because you are attracted to the same sex." Castiel nodded slowly as she spoke, and then grinned weakly at her. Her words helped ease a little of his fear, and maybe, just maybe, that was enough to continue on existing. "Thank you, Anna."

"Anytime. Do you want me to stay in here?" 

After a moment, Castiel replied. "I just want to be alone."

"Alright." She kissed his forehead lovingly and stood, walking out of the room and pulling the door closed as she went. Castiel sighed and curled up under his covers, exhausted and wanting to sleep and possibly never wake up. 

He thought about sending a message to Dean, but not wanting to risk raising anymore suspicion nor really talk to anyone, he left his phone untouched on his nightstand and laid there staring at his wall silently until he fell into a restless sleep.


End file.
